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[ukan]

This is Lark Tennant, leave a message.

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cw: mention of suicide

[crab_rangoon]

"Of course not. She just wanted to talk about it."

He looks up to the ceiling.

"So I jumped from the balcony, thinking that would end it."

Because of course Pagan would be the one to literally jump off of a mountain than talk about his feelings.

[ukan]

Lark gives him a long, long look. "You understand that no matter what you jump off of, I'm not going to just leave you alone, right? In fact if you're that desperate it's going to make me ask more questions."

[crab_rangoon]

"Yes. Well, you have that in common with her. She fucking grabbed me," he tells him, staring straight at him. Because this is the big damn secret.

"I had to pull her off the balcony with me. There was no way I was climbing back up."

[ukan]

Does this mean Pagan was also willing to kill someone else to avoid talking about himself? Lark frowns. "How mad was she when you woke up?"

[crab_rangoon]

Yes, that's exactly what it means.

"Not as much as you'd think," he says. "Even less after I ended up in her memories later."

He takes another drink and inspects his nails a moment.

[ukan]

"What was the memory?" Anita's or Pagan's, he leaves that open for interpretation, but whichever way Pagan chooses is going to tell him something important.

[crab_rangoon]

Pagan knows him better than that.

"Her memory? I'm not going to tell you, you nosy mutt. Mine? Dinner after Ajay's arrival in Kyrat."

[ukan]

Anytime Pagan refers to him as a mutt now gets a smile, even when Lark isn't aware he's smiling. Still, that's not the worst memory Pagan has. "She was asking too many questions?"

[crab_rangoon]

"Like I said, she wasn't pleased I was leading the Golden Path monkey down to get interrogated," he tells him. "And then she started asking questions about it. Telling me it wasn't right. Blah blah blah."

He rolls his eyes. "It was bullshit. But...at the same time...I knew it wasn't."

[ukan]

He's not surprised Anita protested. He has no idea why she's an inmate, but he's pretty damn sure it's not because she's morally deficient.

"Why wasn't it right?" he murmurs, because it's the first time Pagan has ever expressed something like this.

[crab_rangoon]

He throws his hands up in the air slightly. "Fuck," he mutters. "Just tell me the answer, Lark. Tell me why I can't just sit around and be angry all the time."

[ukan]

"Because it will give you wrinkles," he quips.

But Pagan also gets a real answer. "And because anger holds you to the past. If you ever plan to be anything more than what you are right now, you can't be angry all the time. Which isn't the same as forgiving. It's not the same as never being angry."

[crab_rangoon]

"It seems so simple as all that, doesn't it? But as much as I fucking hated that flood, I'd do it a thousand times over if I could just - have that back." And he only got that one memory of Ishwari that wasn't fucked.

[ukan]

If Alec had never returned here, if Alec had died like he's nearly done so many times, Lark knows he'd be saying exactly the same thing.

"We're going to save them," he says. "And if you ever do change your mind about being with them, I'll redraw the terms of the deal." A hesitation. "It matters to me that you come out of this place happier than you came in, Pagan."

[crab_rangoon]

"Happier? Lark, I'm not happier."

He puts his hands over his face. "Just fucked."

[ukan]

"Do you feel any different today--in any capacity--than the day you came here?" It's not a leading question, not rhetorical. Just curious.

[crab_rangoon]

"Yes," he admits. "Of course I do." Not much. But he does. Or at least he thought he did.

[ukan]

"Then I don't think you're as fucked as you feel right now." He doesn't point out that memories will spin anyone around, or that he'd worry if Pagan wasn't badly affected by it.

[crab_rangoon]

"Oh good, Lark. Thank you for that. Fantastic talk. You can go now," he tells him, sulking more than anything.

[ukan]

"I can," but Lark isn't. "Anita likes you, doesn't she?" He doesn't mean romantically. He's just hoping Pagan's circle of friends is expanding, and continues to include decent people who won't use him.

"It's hard to find someone who will risk themselves to pull someone off a cliff."

[crab_rangoon]

"I would not presume to know what goes on in Anita's mind. I would hope she does. Why?"

He rubs the back of his neck. "Lark, where are you going with this."

[ukan]

He purses his lips, thinking, then: "I'm saying Anita is probably not someone you need to be afraid to talk to. If not about your past, then about where you are now."

[crab_rangoon]

"And have someone else fucking hate me?" he mutters. "No thank you, Lark. I have enough people I've ruined by being - me. I'd rather not make it another."

[ukan]

Okay, yes. Anita wouldn't take some of Pagan's choices as easily as Lark has.

"Did that memory, that dream, change how you see her? Her objection to Paul, her willingness to grab you?"

[crab_rangoon]

"No," is the quick answer. "I wasn't surprised by it. Most people object to the way I do things. Most people object to, well, me."

Which is another affirmation of his own nonsense.