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[ukan]

This is Lark Tennant, leave a message.

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[crab_rangoon]

He pulls away slowly with a haughty sort of sniff, looking away as he counts his breaths, hoping that will help him focus on something more important.

"Don't I ever get a goddamm break?"

[ukan]

"You're about due for one," Lark says with a small smile. "Does anything relax you or does the king in you just keep you going on all cylinders?"

[crab_rangoon]

"Numbing things," he says softly. Alcohol, mostly.

"Distractions. Kazuma usually helps, but not with this. This is your problem, I'm afraid."

[ukan]

"The problem with numbing this away is that it doesn't heal when you do. It's not like a pain killer after a surgery. Alcohol is a handy break, it can give you a breath of relief, but if you don't come up with a plan for after..." It just becomes an endless cycle.

"So find the core of what you want. Whatever it is that's true no matter how drunk or sober you are, no matter how much you hurt."

[crab_rangoon]

He just stares at him blankly because, really, he doesn't know. "Now, really, Lark. How is anyone supposed to know that?"

[ukan]

Lark does. Of course Lark does. But how to find it?

"Who are you when you have nothing left?"

[crab_rangoon]

"When I have nothing left?" he wonders softly. Thinking. "Angry, Lark." Blaming everything on the Golden Path. Making it all their fault.

Scared. Terrified. Cold.

[ukan]

"Under that." Searching Pagan's face, looking for the confusion that always comes before clarity. They almost certainly won't get past the muddied thoughts today, but planting the thought will allow it to grow.

"You're angry because you aren't someone who shuts down and gives up. You get tired, you need a break; that's natural. But you have fire in you."

[crab_rangoon]

That doesn't seem right, he wants to say. He wants to say that he gave up for twenty years. That he gave up and didn't do anything for twenty years because he was scared and tired and wanted to hide.

He just waits a moment.

"So what's the point, Lark? What am I supposed to do about it?"

[ukan]

He shakes his head. "That's not the core of you either, Pagan. At the risk of sounding like a philosophy professor, you need to find that and then you can find your best options. Who are you under the anger? I don't want an answer today. You don't have to give me an answer, ever. But it's something everyone should learn and almost no one does."

[crab_rangoon]

He settles into the couch and buries his face in his hands, sliding his fingers through his hair. "I am doomed to be here for ten years," he grumbles, though he really doesn't mean it.

Because he knows he needs to get a handle on his anger before he's going anywhere. He has to do something about it, to stop it from ruling him.

[ukan]

Lark chuckles. "I hope not. If I'm here another ten years I'll kill someone. Another warden, obviously."

But that's been a lot of heavy talk for one day. "Does Kiryu watch movies at all?"

[crab_rangoon]

He takes a breath. Another one. He wouldn't do that to Lark. He would not make Lark stay here for another ten years.

"He will."

Another breath. Then a laugh. "He's never heard of Disney, so I forced him through The Little Mermaid after which we promptly had a fight."

But the way he says it does not imply that the fight was in any way meaningful or real or anything more than playful.

[ukan]

He smirks, almost laughing. "You fought about Ariel? Why, what did she ever do to you?"

[crab_rangoon]

"I said that Ursula had been mistreated," he tells him. "And that she should have been the one to rule Atlantis."

[ukan]

He bites back a snicker. "Mistreated or not, she certainly had more drive than the King who simply sat around watching his half-clad daughters swim."

[crab_rangoon]

"That's what I thought, too. Ah well. I suppose Kazuma and I will never see eye to eye on that."

He gestures towards him with his hand. "Why do you ask about movies?"

[ukan]

"They're an easy way to zone out. A bottle of wine, a movie, a lover. It makes for a good break from reality." A short laugh, though. "That's actually how I saw The Little Mermaid. I was finishing law school and an escort I was with was named Ariel. So she insisted, bribed me with a bottle of wine and the rest."

[crab_rangoon]

"Her name was Ariel?" he asks skeptically. "An escort, a bottle of wine, and Disney. Lark, I do not envy you."

He takes a breath.

"I will try it."

[ukan]

"What part of that sounds like a bad night?" He protests, in lieu of adding more pressure on Pagan by encouraging him to keep trying.

[crab_rangoon]

"Nothing, Lark. Nothing." He rubs the back of his neck. "We just have very different lives is all."

[ukan]

He shrugs. "Not so different now. The me who slept with prostitutes is a lifetime away from who I am now." Now? He's devoted to one person, would never really recover if that person was gone. Now he's a king, with his hands deep in criminal enterprises even if he has them there so he can pull strings and end certain practices.

[crab_rangoon]

"Had," he amends, spreading out his hands. "I know we are alike. There is a reason I trust what you tell me."

[ukan]

"I'm glad." He's worked hard to be honest with Pagan, even when it pisses him off or annoys him. "Oh- completely off topic, how do you feel about coming by while Alec is gone and redoing his wardrobe?"

[crab_rangoon]

He is equally suspicious and intrigued.

"Why?" he asks, practically a purr. "And how upset will Alec be?"