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[ukan]

This is Lark Tennant, leave a message.

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[crab_rangoon]

"Yes," he admits. "Of course I do." Not much. But he does. Or at least he thought he did.

[ukan]

"Then I don't think you're as fucked as you feel right now." He doesn't point out that memories will spin anyone around, or that he'd worry if Pagan wasn't badly affected by it.

[crab_rangoon]

"Oh good, Lark. Thank you for that. Fantastic talk. You can go now," he tells him, sulking more than anything.

[ukan]

"I can," but Lark isn't. "Anita likes you, doesn't she?" He doesn't mean romantically. He's just hoping Pagan's circle of friends is expanding, and continues to include decent people who won't use him.

"It's hard to find someone who will risk themselves to pull someone off a cliff."

[crab_rangoon]

"I would not presume to know what goes on in Anita's mind. I would hope she does. Why?"

He rubs the back of his neck. "Lark, where are you going with this."

[ukan]

He purses his lips, thinking, then: "I'm saying Anita is probably not someone you need to be afraid to talk to. If not about your past, then about where you are now."

[crab_rangoon]

"And have someone else fucking hate me?" he mutters. "No thank you, Lark. I have enough people I've ruined by being - me. I'd rather not make it another."

[ukan]

Okay, yes. Anita wouldn't take some of Pagan's choices as easily as Lark has.

"Did that memory, that dream, change how you see her? Her objection to Paul, her willingness to grab you?"

[crab_rangoon]

"No," is the quick answer. "I wasn't surprised by it. Most people object to the way I do things. Most people object to, well, me."

Which is another affirmation of his own nonsense.

[ukan]

"People who dabble in grey morality like you fine," Lark says dryly. "And I don't think Anita would object to every part of you. She doesn't with me."

[crab_rangoon]

"Again, I have to ask, where are we going with this, Lark? Are you trying to get me to make new friends? Anita and I have been friends for a while," he says gently.

[ukan]

"You have. I'm just trying to understand what it means that you would rather jump off a cliff to wake yourself up than tell that friend something. I know what it would mean if I did it, and I'm not saying I wouldn't do it--there are plenty of people I don't want nosing around my past. But you aren't me and I don't want to put my motives in your mouth."

[crab_rangoon]

He tenses slightly. "Because I wanted it to be over with," he tells him. "Because I wanted it to end. What is so difficult to understand about that?"

And certainly not because she had been making good points. Certainly not because she had a point. Not because he was starting to feel like rethinking it.

[ukan]

Lark just watches him evenly, knowing that for the defensive answer it is. that's not all there is to it, and he's content to wait to see what Pagan says next.

[crab_rangoon]

Pagan stares him down for a long, long moment. "Lark..." he says softly, almost warningly.

[ukan]

"You asked me here," he says, just as soft. "Don't back out now."

[crab_rangoon]

"Well, maybe I am un-asking you now," he tells him. "Look, I know where this is going to lead, Lark. I know where this path goes, and I don't want to travel it."

Suddenly, he really wants a drink. He settles for just looking annoyed.

[ukan]

"Where does it lead?" Lark challenges. "Because God knows the path you're afraid of never goes where you think it will."

[crab_rangoon]

"It leads to me doing something different with the Golden Path," he says. "Something other than simply killing them for their affiliation."

[ukan]

He nods slightly, weighs that in his mind for a moment. "Is that something you see yourself doing, or something you think is expected of you?"

[crab_rangoon]

"It's something I need to do, but I don't want to," he tells him firmly. "It was easier when I had Ishwari with me. Easier before they fucking killed my daughter."

[ukan]

Need and want are two very different things. Lark won't pretend even for a moment that they aren't, and that need trumps want every time. "Is everyone in the organization to blame for that? Or are there people who would never murder a child?"

[crab_rangoon]

"Why should they get a pass if they continue to follow Mohan, even after his death?" he challenges, digging his heels into this issue.

[ukan]

"Because people lie. Most leaders lie. They make promises they will never follow through on--the carrot tied always out of reach. You know that."

[crab_rangoon]

"And they should know that, Lark," he says lightly, playful tone masking his real feelings. "But why should they matter to me?"