IC Inbox III

[ukan]

This is Lark, leave a message.

Comments

[ukan]

We can talk about me later.

I'm going to take his weapons. I'm putting him under constant supervision. I'm still thinking about what else I'm going to do. And I want to know how far your doubts about me go right now.

[questionsonly]

Doubts imply any of this is intentional. I have zero doubts about you, Lark. That is not my issue right now.

Nor do I think babysitting Trevor and taking his toys away is the problem here. I was an inmate too, one with an interest in helping out. One who did help out, several times, during situations on board. If the will is there, he'll find a way.

What I want to know is... why your inmate thought I didn't know what the hell I was doing. Because I will not deny the presence of any number of numbskulls on board. But the fact that one of your own decided I was one of them speaks to the fact that you either didn't tell him I wasn't. Or you did, and he didn't care. And I would have liked to be appraised as such.

I want to know why pack and pack dynamics are just for me and mine, or even Iris's... but when I bring up working together on your shit, you change the topic. John is progressing and I shouldn't have to tell you it's because all three of us are helping him. Ulla trusts you, and I know that if I go down, you'll look out for her. Jacobi knows you know what you're doing. That I trust you.

Meanwhile, you're not well, you're uninformed, and you are leaning into managing me instead of working. with me. So either tell me what I did. to be held at arm's length like this. Disrespected like this. Not even invited to see you in person.

Or come talk to me when you've figured out which way to pull your head out of wherever it's stuck.

[ukan]

[Quietly] I'm not trying to disrespect you. You've done nothing to deserve that.

But if you want to know why he didn't believe you could handle it, you would have to ask him. He doesn't give a shit who I vouch for, Warren. I've never given him reason to doubt you or your ability as a warden, and I can't make him see differently. That's the problem with him: he refuses to see anything but what he knows, and he is patently disinterested in trying. There is no motivation there to change. Which means I need to manufacture something for him to push back against.

[questionsonly]

Are you sure that isn't the problem itself?

That everything is a fight. That everything has to be a struggle. That he'd rather have an enemy made up, or make one up himself, than deal with reality as. it. is.

[ A breath out. A slow one. A tired one. ]

And that addresses Trevor. But it doesn't address the rest. Why are we having this on communicators? We've never done that. And why didn't you think that was something I needed to know?

[ A breath out again, softer. He scrubs his face with a hand. ]

One of the things I promised Jacobi, promised. him. was that listening to you? Being part of this. Wouldn't be like it was with Cutter. It wouldn't be 'need to know'. We'd all have a seat at the table. We'd all be. in it. for each other.

[ He breathes in now. ]

He accused me of treating her like Maxwell. Ulla. He's not... wrong. And I admit... [ A swallow. ] I admit I'm- I'm more- I am. significantly. more heated. than I would be. if it was anyone else. That she was attacked not once. But twice.

So you're probably getting... some of that. I'm sorry.

[ukan]

[One thing at a time. He'll unpick the least complicated and go from there.]

What does 'treating her like Maxwell' look like in practice?

[questionsonly]

Encouraging her brilliance. Accepting the kind of behavior I wouldn't from almost anyone else. The way I talk about her. The way I want to rip apart anyone who'd hurt her.

Their stories... aren't that different. Is the thing.

I'm just trying to give Ulla what she needs to bloom and come to peace with herself.

[ukan]

I understand. I do. I want that for her, too.

What happened that caused her to act out like she did?

[questionsonly]

A realization. And the forced closeness from the breach.

[ukan]

I'll talk to him. And I'll keep you updated.

[questionsonly]

That's all I'm looking for, Lark.

I can work with anything. But I'm only going on what you give me. And if you don't give me anything?

I get surprises.

[ A short pause. ]

And we aren't done about your tendency to not ask. or accept. help. Not by a long shot.

[ukan]

I don't know how.

This is me trying and it's clearly not working. I don't know how.

[questionsonly]

Then the first part? Is me helping you to learn.

Starting with...

Did you notice. when you immediately changed topics after I brought up a team solution?

I'm not being sarcastic. I'm trying to diagnose.

[ukan]

It wasn't intentional.

[questionsonly]

And when I pull your attention back to it, what do you feel?

Honestly. No judgment.

[ukan]

Annoyed.

[But he says it apologetically. He doesn't want to be irritated with Warren.]

[questionsonly]

And what's at the base of that annoyance?

Look deeper.

[ukan]

I can figure out how to do it myself. I just need more time. If I let someone else solve it, I lose the chance to learn from it.

[questionsonly]

That's justification for your annoyance. Not the emotion underneath the annoyance. Deeper.

Also?

That's stupid. You're smarter than that.

[ukan]

It's anger.

[questionsonly]

Anger at what?

[ukan]

[It might seem like he's not going to answer.

For a time he's not sure he will, either.]

Being a warden means giving up a lot of what I want. Some of what I really am. And I'm not even here for a deal. If I can't even do my job, what the fuck am I here for?

[questionsonly]

[ He'll take a moment to parse that, and he takes a moment to lean back on one arm, rubbing thoughtfully at his lips. He pulls his hand away to speak. ]

So... it feels like an accusation of incompetence. It threatens your confidence that you can do this job properly.

[ He turns his hand. ]

How does that work. with your tendency? to involve yourself in the lives of other people's inmates? And what I've heard from your own lips. about wardening as a community?

[ukan]

I realize it makes me a hypocrite. But I've also-

There are people waiting for me to fail at home. People who will literally eat me and gnaw my bones when I do.

And people here? Are always looking for ways to dismiss what I'm trying to do here. Ways to prove it won't work and I'm full of shit.

[questionsonly]

And do you see me as one of those people?

Iris as one of those people?

[ A pause. ]

You're talking like an inmate.

Not in a good way.

[ukan]

I think like an inmate. I've never stopped. I try, but maybe I'm not supposed to be working here at all, Warren. Maybe I was never supposed to graduate.