IC Inbox III

[ukan]

This is Lark, leave a message.

Comments

[questionsonly]

A realization. And the forced closeness from the breach.

[ukan]

I'll talk to him. And I'll keep you updated.

[questionsonly]

That's all I'm looking for, Lark.

I can work with anything. But I'm only going on what you give me. And if you don't give me anything?

I get surprises.

[ A short pause. ]

And we aren't done about your tendency to not ask. or accept. help. Not by a long shot.

[ukan]

I don't know how.

This is me trying and it's clearly not working. I don't know how.

[questionsonly]

Then the first part? Is me helping you to learn.

Starting with...

Did you notice. when you immediately changed topics after I brought up a team solution?

I'm not being sarcastic. I'm trying to diagnose.

[ukan]

It wasn't intentional.

[questionsonly]

And when I pull your attention back to it, what do you feel?

Honestly. No judgment.

[ukan]

Annoyed.

[But he says it apologetically. He doesn't want to be irritated with Warren.]

[questionsonly]

And what's at the base of that annoyance?

Look deeper.

[ukan]

I can figure out how to do it myself. I just need more time. If I let someone else solve it, I lose the chance to learn from it.

[questionsonly]

That's justification for your annoyance. Not the emotion underneath the annoyance. Deeper.

Also?

That's stupid. You're smarter than that.

[ukan]

It's anger.

[questionsonly]

Anger at what?

[ukan]

[It might seem like he's not going to answer.

For a time he's not sure he will, either.]

Being a warden means giving up a lot of what I want. Some of what I really am. And I'm not even here for a deal. If I can't even do my job, what the fuck am I here for?

[questionsonly]

[ He'll take a moment to parse that, and he takes a moment to lean back on one arm, rubbing thoughtfully at his lips. He pulls his hand away to speak. ]

So... it feels like an accusation of incompetence. It threatens your confidence that you can do this job properly.

[ He turns his hand. ]

How does that work. with your tendency? to involve yourself in the lives of other people's inmates? And what I've heard from your own lips. about wardening as a community?

[ukan]

I realize it makes me a hypocrite. But I've also-

There are people waiting for me to fail at home. People who will literally eat me and gnaw my bones when I do.

And people here? Are always looking for ways to dismiss what I'm trying to do here. Ways to prove it won't work and I'm full of shit.

[questionsonly]

And do you see me as one of those people?

Iris as one of those people?

[ A pause. ]

You're talking like an inmate.

Not in a good way.

[ukan]

I think like an inmate. I've never stopped. I try, but maybe I'm not supposed to be working here at all, Warren. Maybe I was never supposed to graduate.

[questionsonly]

[ He doesn't answer immediately. When he does speak, it's very quietly. Very gently. ]

Lark. You're chasing answers you're comfortable with. Fears of yours. And you want to pursue those?

Because they have easy yes/no, leave/stay answers. Based around action.

The root? Of something like this?

It's always in what you refuse to see.

So I'm going to ask you again. Since knowingly. or unknowingly. you dodged:

Do you see me as one of those people? Or Iris as one of those people?

[ukan]

No. Never. In fact I know you two are invested in my success.

... It's just that no one at home has been, before Alec. I know how to take help from him, but with anyone else, it leads me here.

[questionsonly]

Alec's your mate.

[ He's going to be a little unpleasantly frank. ]

You also feel. you have a much higher chance. to make Alec fall in line. Even if you'll feel like shit about it.

[ He holds up a finger. ]

I'm not saying that's true. I'm saying. From talking to you. That is. your baseline assumption. And it makes you more comfortable. With accepting help. Because there is, in your mind still a... pecking order.

[ There's a long pause before he speaks again. ]

You're applying Schenkel dynamics, captivity dynamics, to a post-captivity existence. You aren't an inmate. You shouldn't be an inmate. But you've tied yourself, and your ideas of how social dynamics work: as a pack, and as a community, to that captivity mindset.

Alpha wolf. Pecking order. Levels of dominance. A fear of being perceived as weak or incapable, those things having greater cost than failure. Or stagnation.

[ He shakes his head. ]

You have to admit you're not an inmate. Where it matters.

For yourself. For Trevor. For Iris and I. For Alec.

[ukan]

What does being an inmate mean to you? How do you define it, when does it really change?

[questionsonly]

Are you asking to deflect or are you asking because you have no guideline inside your head to go by for this?

[ukan]

I don't think I have a real conscience, Warren.

[Quiet, serious]

I'm asking seriously. Guide me.

[questionsonly]

[ That… is another beast entirely. Something for them to work on and for him to gnaw on. ]

All right.

[ He considers just answering the question. ]

I don’t agree. That you lack a conscience. But… I agree… you might have turned yours off. Gone into survival mode.

[ A longer, slower breath.]

And I understand. Why that line is hard for you. Since it was probably drawn out, so long, so thin? You can barely see it.

But.

The difference. Between an inmate and a warden. Is in what you’re doing right now.