He walks them back to the sofa, and grabs two glasses of water off the counter on the way. "It's not so much about smarts here. Experience is the only thing we have to go by; without that we all trip over new situations. What happened?"
"Some of it's stuff I'm not gonna tell." She plops down and curls up, ignoring the water. "I know I'm pretty fucked up, Lark. I know being here made me a better person, but it made me a worse one too."
"How did it make you worse?" Maybe the typical response is to assure her she's not, that it's all been for the good, that she's great just as she is. But Lark knows that's bullshit and she clearly does, too. No person makes a positive change without taking on something negative as well.
"You remember after the bombing?" It's a silly question; she knows that he does. "When you were lying in bed, hurt, and it hurt me just to look at you. But you asked me to find out who did it, find out their reasons why, and then tell you. And I told you no. I didn't know who it was, and I still told you no. I would've told you no even if it was Arthas. Even if it was Sylvanas. And if you asked again right now I'd still tell you no."
He remembers lying there feeling helpless. He remembers the look on Alec's face, the way he'd reacted when Scott had brought him in. Lark remembers the pain, sure, but that's a tiny thing. What he remembers most is how very alone he'd been; there was no one on board he could really trust to side with him if he needed it. He had learned that in a matter of moments and he hasn't forgotten it.
He's grateful for that. Better to learn that you're on your own when you've just got a broken leg, than when you actually can't survive without someone else at your back.
It hurts, though. You can seize hold of a lesson, you can need to have your eyes opened, and still admit that it hurts. So he doesn't say anything, just nods a little and sips his water and lets her talk.
"It wasn't fair to you. It was fucking awful to do to you, 'cause you got killed and you deserved to know why. You ain't here by choice. You shouldn't've even been a target. You were fucking... collateral damage, and it was awful." She balls her hand into a fist and smacks it into the palm of her hand.
"But if I told, it wouldn't've been fair to them. And I didn't know who it was that'd done it then, but I knew that they were probably an inmate, and they had reasons, and if they told me those reasons in secret they'd deserve that being respected. So you see? Everything I do, it's gonna hurt somebody. It's gonna be unfair to somebody."
"It's the hardest part about being alive and wanting to do right by the world. It's impossible to do anything without hurting something. Some would tell you that's just part of a natural balance." He doesn't really buy into that, but it's as good a theory as any for why everything has to kill to survive.
"For those of us with higher thought, it just comes down to what you're willing to hurt and be hurt for. I don't expect you or anyone else to choose me for that. It would be a mistake if you did; our goals aren't the same. Our needs aren't the same."
"I wasn't not choosing you." She doesn't expect him to decide that that makes it okay, but she feels it's an important enough distinction to make. "I wasn't choosing somebody else over you. I was choosing keeping a secret over telling a secret."
"It's that kind of stuff. That kind of shit. Part of it is, anyway; the part that's bothering me more." Which happens to be the part she can't - won't - tell him about directly. "The rest of it's on the network. I lost my temper a little bit."
"I saw." At least some of it. He assumes there are private portions; there always are. "I know you can't tell me details but just tell me if I'm following you alright. Someone is upset with you because you won't share someone else's secret?"
"Uh-uh." She shakes her head. "I was using the thing with you like-- like a comparison. It feels like the same kind of situation to me, but it ain't the same. It ain't about secrets."
It's good to hear her admit it. It concerns him, though, from the standpoint of someone who was screwed over by a lot of similar choices made around him. "How important is this thing to you that you won't change?"
"I think it's important here. It ain't always what I'd do at home, but it's part of how I wanna be here." She rests her cheek against the arm of the couch. "I don't know how Iris does it."
"Does she do this?" An honest question. Lark confided in her his first time through, and she never made him regret that. "She's trustworthy but I've also never seen her face pressure to give up confidences the way you have."
"I don't think she does. She talks to nice people, and nasty people, and she brings people stuff in Zero no matter what they did. She stuck with Victor through everything, and Roderick, and everybody who's done awful stuff; she hung out with 'em and talked to 'em and tried to listen and understand no matter what. She does a lot of the same stuff I do, only nobody gives her shit for it or feels betrayed by it. I don't know how she does it. She's got something I don't have, and I don't know what it is."
Lark has noticed a difference in how Tiffany is treated, both by other wardens and by inmates.
"I would have been angry at her if she had been the one in the infirmary with me instead. I would have been angry with anyone. I might have reacted worse to her, actually."
But you know it's for you too, right? If you tell me stuff I won't repeat it to anybody. And I'll still be there if you do awful shit. You know that, right?
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He's grateful for that. Better to learn that you're on your own when you've just got a broken leg, than when you actually can't survive without someone else at your back.
It hurts, though. You can seize hold of a lesson, you can need to have your eyes opened, and still admit that it hurts. So he doesn't say anything, just nods a little and sips his water and lets her talk.
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"But if I told, it wouldn't've been fair to them. And I didn't know who it was that'd done it then, but I knew that they were probably an inmate, and they had reasons, and if they told me those reasons in secret they'd deserve that being respected. So you see? Everything I do, it's gonna hurt somebody. It's gonna be unfair to somebody."
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"For those of us with higher thought, it just comes down to what you're willing to hurt and be hurt for. I don't expect you or anyone else to choose me for that. It would be a mistake if you did; our goals aren't the same. Our needs aren't the same."
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"I would have been angry at her if she had been the one in the infirmary with me instead. I would have been angry with anyone. I might have reacted worse to her, actually."
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