[There's a note of curiosity, and maybe it's also confusion. Lark has been on the periphery of nearly every sabotage effort the Barge has seen. However, very few people know that, and he doubts anyone has told Jon enough to make him suspicious.
Which is funny because he's not at all involved in whatever is going on so he'd be right to be offended if anyone did accuse him.]
[ He breathes out with a sigh, a very tired sort of sigh, before he continues. He doesn’t know anything about Lark’s sabotages. All he knows is that the man is very familiar with this place and he needs another perspective. ]
I don’t believe I’ve told you. What I can actually- the thing I can do that comes with- with being the Archivist.
Some people on board know. But I’ve- I’ve no intention to use it if I can help it and- well, it seems the sort of thing even more likely to get me killed than my...[ there’s a low self-depreciating chuckle ] sparkling personality.
If you were wondering about my hand, that was an investment banker.
[ He clears his throat. ]
No one has suggested anything. But my experience so far has suggested that I’m in a rather awful Catch 22: do I say something, given the current crisis, or keep it to myself, and have it happen when, invariably, it comes out due to some- some madness of this place and have it used to further undermine any credibility here I might have.
I think you should say something. But I don't think you should let anyone press you into using it; just let them know it's an option and you have conditions. And they might not push you. We had a telepath here just before you came, and no one tried to force her to use her powers. Even when it would have made things easier.
My question for you is this: power exacts a price from its user. What does it do to you when you use it?
I... like it. Quite... quite a lot. There’s something- something viscerally satisfying. To knowing what I want to know.
[ A breath in. ]
The closest thing to... to actual payment is probably the statements. I... I have to read them, u-usually once a week or so. At least if I’d like to maintain my health. It’s not- it’s not a direct correlation, I can’t- can’t not ask to hold off. It’s just... part and parcel.
The statements? Do you mean, you extract an answer, and then you have to re-read what they told you for the rest of your life to keep your head together?
Statements are... experiences. True supernatural events that someone has- has lived through to tell the tale. Part of my job is- is to both collect them and to record them... and when I do, I- I experience them, the same way that person did at the time.
All the fear, the confusion, the anger and loss and heart sickness- I told you I know what it’s like to be in other people’s shoes. That’s what- what statements do, when produced with the help of an Archivist.
I brought a small trove of them with me from home to keep me sustained. I’ve secreted some in a few places for emergencies but the vast majority of the vetted box is in my cabin. I don’t- I didn’t think it right to ask those here.
[This isn't quite the same as Jean, who could just enter his mind and see whatever she wanted. But it's close, and for a moment he thinks the one, the only thing, that he had been relieved about when she left was that he finally had his own mind to himself. She had never actually used it on him but he'd always been aware that she could and that he could do nothing about it.
And his second thought is how much harder this is going to make juggling his life at the library with his life with Alec.]
It's something people will want to know. They'll never trust your word if you hide it from them. But if you make your boundaries clear and explain why you don't just run around making people talk...that might help. Some people will avoid you but most of them will come around, some faster than you'd think.
No. [No hesitation there, either. Jean got him acclimated to being around the largest threat to his sanity there is. Jon is a slightly different threat but he's a risk Lark will take.
Besides, there is a philosophy Lark adopted years ago: everyone else, every warden included, is locked in with him. All the wardens with all their powers have nowhere to go to escape him except home, while he has nothing but time to decide when and how to destroy them for whatever reason they give him.
He wouldn't be working with Jon if he thought they would ever end up in a situation like that, though. Lark is a man built of contingency plans, but he would never throw himself into a scenario where he really thought it would come to that.]
[ There's silence as he considers what he wants to say, what tack he wants to take. Most people he knows would be amazed to realize that Jonathan Sims very carefully considers quite a lot of things he says and does.
To paraphrase a certain meme: the risk is calculated but he is terrible at math most days.]
I shall have to endeavor to be worthy of your company then. Given... given that I know it's not... it's not an unconsidered difficulty.
[ He really can't dig into anyone's head at least not yet but he remembers their discussion, he remembers the question about being a telepath, and he knows Lark as a predator, someone constantly evaluating threats to themselves and those they claim as their own. He's under, well, less illusions than might be assumed about the people here, any of them really, but especially one who has been through the kind of madness this place subjects people to for as long as Lark has. The place is designed to unmake people, just from what he's seen in his short time. And Lark has survived it even without any exit but a path that satisfies his captors.
He thinks his own path will be in the opposite direction, but he's no more keen to satisfy Elias than he thinks Lark is to satisfy the Admiral and he has more faith in Lark than himself on this one.]
I won't throw your gifts in your face again, Lark. I won't- I can't consider whatever 'wardening' I'm here to do over the safety and well being of the people here, especially those who are just as trapped as the people I'm here to help.
Saying what I said, while you were still covered in blood, while there were bodies on the ground-
It was cruel. And I won't repeat the mistake. You deserve that, at the very least.
[ And, lightly, soft-]
You are one of my assistants as well, now. After all.
[Lark tries not to go into things with too many expectations. Believing you know what will happen will only keep you from adapting to what does happen, as he has finally learned. Or thought he had.
Being on the Barge has given him plenty of cynical expectations, it seems, because he listens to Jon start to finish in dumbfounded silence.
Frankly, Lark doesn't deserve many apologies. And he receives close to none of those he does earn. He doesn't ever go looking for someone else's 'sorry' and yet, having one now, it's...moving. Very.
He swallows hard and asks with just a slight rasp of feeling in his voice:]
Some of the talk we had. Some... some thoughts I had musing through the end of my statement on what happened in the library.
[ His words are quiet, thoughtful. Not so much careful as deliberate. Chosen. ]
I'm going to be a monster, whether I like it or not. But... it's up to me to choose what kind of monster I'm going to be.
I won't let Elias choose it.
And I won't let the Admiral choose it either.
Which means... being the man- the person I want to be, regardless of... regardless of anything else. And I like to think that person... that person concerns himself first and foremost with the people in front of him. The things he can directly do something about. Which, [ this comes with a mild chuckle ] is the people of the barge, for the foreseeable future.
I really appreciate that, Jon. [His voice is quiet, like it would be with another wolf. The words themselves feel inadequate but he isn't used to this, and if he tried to say more he'd be struggling to put anything together.]
Controlling the monsters we become is the single most important thing we can ever do, in my opinion.
[Kneejerk response, of course, would be a smile and a 'no'. And really there's very, very little that anyone can do to give Lark some peace of mind. That's part of life on the Barge; it's worse when you're serving a life sentence.
But there is one thing.]
Is there any balance for you? Working to contain the Leitners, and living?
I want to say that you should find it, but that would make me a hypocrite. [More of one. He's aware of his own double standards.]
I honestly can't tell if life would be any better, or if life is meant for a full-tilt pursuit of a given passion. Most people never find their calling at all.
It's something I've- well. I think about it a lot. The job I'm doing, the situation I'm in.
Apparently, I'm-
[ This is something he hasn't brought up to anyone, anyone else. Not Elias, certainly, and not Martin. Not Tim or Basira and certainly not Daisy. It's something he's struggled with, the very idea of it of course, but also what that means in the long run. Where he's going.]
I'm a very very good Archivist. I don't- that's not- I mean, you understand I'm not trying to-
[ Lark understands. He's sure he doesn't need to explain. He has a feeling Lark had the better part of his 'number' as it were well before now.]
The problem is, I don't even know what that means. At least, not in- not how it translates to my... abilities. Or whether things will go differently than... than how they went for the previous Archivist.
[ There's no other way to put that. Sometimes, he thinks of it as murder. Other times as an execution. It's certainly difficult not to think of it that way, given the cold and precise manner of her death.]
Three shots to the torso.
[ He presses his lips tight for a moment, wondering if he should mention it. It's relevant, but-]
She was, apparently, going to destroy the Archives. Her and... Jurgen Leitner.
[Maybe it's not a bad idea, if it's possible. Lark is increasingly doubtful that it could ever be done in a single lifetime.] What does that have to do with balance?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
audio
[There's a note of curiosity, and maybe it's also confusion. Lark has been on the periphery of nearly every sabotage effort the Barge has seen. However, very few people know that, and he doubts anyone has told Jon enough to make him suspicious.
Which is funny because he's not at all involved in whatever is going on so he'd be right to be offended if anyone did accuse him.]
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I don’t believe I’ve told you. What I can actually- the thing I can do that comes with- with being the Archivist.
Some people on board know. But I’ve- I’ve no intention to use it if I can help it and- well, it seems the sort of thing even more likely to get me killed than my...[ there’s a low self-depreciating chuckle ] sparkling personality.
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But I can... That is, if I ask a question, there’s- I can make it so that people answer. Truthful and completely.
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My clients at home would have hated you.
These other people you told...are they suggesting you interrogate people?
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If you were wondering about my hand, that was an investment banker.
[ He clears his throat. ]
No one has suggested anything. But my experience so far has suggested that I’m in a rather awful Catch 22: do I say something, given the current crisis, or keep it to myself, and have it happen when, invariably, it comes out due to some- some madness of this place and have it used to further undermine any credibility here I might have.
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My question for you is this: power exacts a price from its user. What does it do to you when you use it?
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I... like it. Quite... quite a lot. There’s something- something viscerally satisfying. To knowing what I want to know.
[ A breath in. ]
The closest thing to... to actual payment is probably the statements. I... I have to read them, u-usually once a week or so. At least if I’d like to maintain my health. It’s not- it’s not a direct correlation, I can’t- can’t not ask to hold off. It’s just... part and parcel.
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: private audio
Sorry, you’re- you’re getting this all in pieces.
Statements are... experiences. True supernatural events that someone has- has lived through to tell the tale. Part of my job is- is to both collect them and to record them... and when I do, I- I experience them, the same way that person did at the time.
All the fear, the confusion, the anger and loss and heart sickness- I told you I know what it’s like to be in other people’s shoes. That’s what- what statements do, when produced with the help of an Archivist.
I brought a small trove of them with me from home to keep me sustained. I’ve secreted some in a few places for emergencies but the vast majority of the vetted box is in my cabin. I don’t- I didn’t think it right to ask those here.
private audio
And his second thought is how much harder this is going to make juggling his life at the library with his life with Alec.]
It's something people will want to know. They'll never trust your word if you hide it from them. But if you make your boundaries clear and explain why you don't just run around making people talk...that might help. Some people will avoid you but most of them will come around, some faster than you'd think.
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[ He sighs a little. Then a pause. Finally, he lets out a soft laugh. ]
Will you be one of the ones avoiding me?
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Besides, there is a philosophy Lark adopted years ago: everyone else, every warden included, is locked in with him. All the wardens with all their powers have nowhere to go to escape him except home, while he has nothing but time to decide when and how to destroy them for whatever reason they give him.
He wouldn't be working with Jon if he thought they would ever end up in a situation like that, though. Lark is a man built of contingency plans, but he would never throw himself into a scenario where he really thought it would come to that.]
It takes a lot to scare me off, Jon.
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To paraphrase a certain meme: the risk is calculated but he is terrible at math most days.]
I shall have to endeavor to be worthy of your company then. Given... given that I know it's not... it's not an unconsidered difficulty.
[ He really can't dig into anyone's head
at least not yetbut he remembers their discussion, he remembers the question about being a telepath, and he knows Lark as a predator, someone constantly evaluating threats to themselves and those they claim as their own. He's under, well, less illusions than might be assumed about the people here, any of them really, but especially one who has been through the kind of madness this place subjects people to for as long as Lark has. The place is designed to unmake people, just from what he's seen in his short time. And Lark has survived it even without any exit but a path that satisfies his captors.He thinks his own path will be in the opposite direction, but he's no more keen to satisfy Elias than he thinks Lark is to satisfy the Admiral and he has more faith in Lark than himself on this one.]
I won't throw your gifts in your face again, Lark. I won't- I can't consider whatever 'wardening' I'm here to do over the safety and well being of the people here, especially those who are just as trapped as the people I'm here to help.
Saying what I said, while you were still covered in blood, while there were bodies on the ground-
It was cruel. And I won't repeat the mistake. You deserve that, at the very least.
[ And, lightly, soft-]
You are one of my assistants as well, now. After all.
private audio
Being on the Barge has given him plenty of cynical expectations, it seems, because he listens to Jon start to finish in dumbfounded silence.
Frankly, Lark doesn't deserve many apologies. And he receives close to none of those he does earn. He doesn't ever go looking for someone else's 'sorry' and yet, having one now, it's...moving. Very.
He swallows hard and asks with just a slight rasp of feeling in his voice:]
What changed your mind?
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[ His words are quiet, thoughtful. Not so much careful as deliberate. Chosen. ]
I'm going to be a monster, whether I like it or not. But... it's up to me to choose what kind of monster I'm going to be.
I won't let Elias choose it.
And I won't let the Admiral choose it either.
Which means... being the man- the person I want to be, regardless of... regardless of anything else. And I like to think that person... that person concerns himself first and foremost with the people in front of him. The things he can directly do something about. Which, [ this comes with a mild chuckle ] is the people of the barge, for the foreseeable future.
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Controlling the monsters we become is the single most important thing we can ever do, in my opinion.
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I thought you might understand. I'm... glad... you understand.
And I certainly agree.
[ A pause before. ]
Is there anything I can do to... help you get some rest? You sound tired.
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But there is one thing.]
Is there any balance for you? Working to contain the Leitners, and living?
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There's not much to... balance. Honestly.
Never really has been.
Not for a long time now.
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I honestly can't tell if life would be any better, or if life is meant for a full-tilt pursuit of a given passion. Most people never find their calling at all.
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It's something I've- well. I think about it a lot. The job I'm doing, the situation I'm in.
Apparently, I'm-
[ This is something he hasn't brought up to anyone, anyone else. Not Elias, certainly, and not Martin. Not Tim or Basira and certainly not Daisy. It's something he's struggled with, the very idea of it of course, but also what that means in the long run. Where he's going.]
I'm a very very good Archivist. I don't- that's not- I mean, you understand I'm not trying to-
[ Lark understands. He's sure he doesn't need to explain. He has a feeling Lark had the better part of his 'number' as it were well before now.]
The problem is, I don't even know what that means. At least, not in- not how it translates to my... abilities. Or whether things will go differently than... than how they went for the previous Archivist.
And thus if a balance is... wise.
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And he has thoughts, but he holds them back until he knows a little more.]
What happened to the previous Archivist?
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[ There's no other way to put that. Sometimes, he thinks of it as murder. Other times as an execution. It's certainly difficult not to think of it that way, given the cold and precise manner of her death.]
Three shots to the torso.
[ He presses his lips tight for a moment, wondering if he should mention it. It's relevant, but-]
She was, apparently, going to destroy the Archives. Her and... Jurgen Leitner.
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