If you were wondering about my hand, that was an investment banker.
[ He clears his throat. ]
No one has suggested anything. But my experience so far has suggested that I’m in a rather awful Catch 22: do I say something, given the current crisis, or keep it to myself, and have it happen when, invariably, it comes out due to some- some madness of this place and have it used to further undermine any credibility here I might have.
I think you should say something. But I don't think you should let anyone press you into using it; just let them know it's an option and you have conditions. And they might not push you. We had a telepath here just before you came, and no one tried to force her to use her powers. Even when it would have made things easier.
My question for you is this: power exacts a price from its user. What does it do to you when you use it?
I... like it. Quite... quite a lot. There’s something- something viscerally satisfying. To knowing what I want to know.
[ A breath in. ]
The closest thing to... to actual payment is probably the statements. I... I have to read them, u-usually once a week or so. At least if I’d like to maintain my health. It’s not- it’s not a direct correlation, I can’t- can’t not ask to hold off. It’s just... part and parcel.
The statements? Do you mean, you extract an answer, and then you have to re-read what they told you for the rest of your life to keep your head together?
Statements are... experiences. True supernatural events that someone has- has lived through to tell the tale. Part of my job is- is to both collect them and to record them... and when I do, I- I experience them, the same way that person did at the time.
All the fear, the confusion, the anger and loss and heart sickness- I told you I know what it’s like to be in other people’s shoes. That’s what- what statements do, when produced with the help of an Archivist.
I brought a small trove of them with me from home to keep me sustained. I’ve secreted some in a few places for emergencies but the vast majority of the vetted box is in my cabin. I don’t- I didn’t think it right to ask those here.
[This isn't quite the same as Jean, who could just enter his mind and see whatever she wanted. But it's close, and for a moment he thinks the one, the only thing, that he had been relieved about when she left was that he finally had his own mind to himself. She had never actually used it on him but he'd always been aware that she could and that he could do nothing about it.
And his second thought is how much harder this is going to make juggling his life at the library with his life with Alec.]
It's something people will want to know. They'll never trust your word if you hide it from them. But if you make your boundaries clear and explain why you don't just run around making people talk...that might help. Some people will avoid you but most of them will come around, some faster than you'd think.
No. [No hesitation there, either. Jean got him acclimated to being around the largest threat to his sanity there is. Jon is a slightly different threat but he's a risk Lark will take.
Besides, there is a philosophy Lark adopted years ago: everyone else, every warden included, is locked in with him. All the wardens with all their powers have nowhere to go to escape him except home, while he has nothing but time to decide when and how to destroy them for whatever reason they give him.
He wouldn't be working with Jon if he thought they would ever end up in a situation like that, though. Lark is a man built of contingency plans, but he would never throw himself into a scenario where he really thought it would come to that.]
[ There's silence as he considers what he wants to say, what tack he wants to take. Most people he knows would be amazed to realize that Jonathan Sims very carefully considers quite a lot of things he says and does.
To paraphrase a certain meme: the risk is calculated but he is terrible at math most days.]
I shall have to endeavor to be worthy of your company then. Given... given that I know it's not... it's not an unconsidered difficulty.
[ He really can't dig into anyone's head at least not yet but he remembers their discussion, he remembers the question about being a telepath, and he knows Lark as a predator, someone constantly evaluating threats to themselves and those they claim as their own. He's under, well, less illusions than might be assumed about the people here, any of them really, but especially one who has been through the kind of madness this place subjects people to for as long as Lark has. The place is designed to unmake people, just from what he's seen in his short time. And Lark has survived it even without any exit but a path that satisfies his captors.
He thinks his own path will be in the opposite direction, but he's no more keen to satisfy Elias than he thinks Lark is to satisfy the Admiral and he has more faith in Lark than himself on this one.]
I won't throw your gifts in your face again, Lark. I won't- I can't consider whatever 'wardening' I'm here to do over the safety and well being of the people here, especially those who are just as trapped as the people I'm here to help.
Saying what I said, while you were still covered in blood, while there were bodies on the ground-
It was cruel. And I won't repeat the mistake. You deserve that, at the very least.
[ And, lightly, soft-]
You are one of my assistants as well, now. After all.
[Lark tries not to go into things with too many expectations. Believing you know what will happen will only keep you from adapting to what does happen, as he has finally learned. Or thought he had.
Being on the Barge has given him plenty of cynical expectations, it seems, because he listens to Jon start to finish in dumbfounded silence.
Frankly, Lark doesn't deserve many apologies. And he receives close to none of those he does earn. He doesn't ever go looking for someone else's 'sorry' and yet, having one now, it's...moving. Very.
He swallows hard and asks with just a slight rasp of feeling in his voice:]
Some of the talk we had. Some... some thoughts I had musing through the end of my statement on what happened in the library.
[ His words are quiet, thoughtful. Not so much careful as deliberate. Chosen. ]
I'm going to be a monster, whether I like it or not. But... it's up to me to choose what kind of monster I'm going to be.
I won't let Elias choose it.
And I won't let the Admiral choose it either.
Which means... being the man- the person I want to be, regardless of... regardless of anything else. And I like to think that person... that person concerns himself first and foremost with the people in front of him. The things he can directly do something about. Which, [ this comes with a mild chuckle ] is the people of the barge, for the foreseeable future.
I really appreciate that, Jon. [His voice is quiet, like it would be with another wolf. The words themselves feel inadequate but he isn't used to this, and if he tried to say more he'd be struggling to put anything together.]
Controlling the monsters we become is the single most important thing we can ever do, in my opinion.
[Kneejerk response, of course, would be a smile and a 'no'. And really there's very, very little that anyone can do to give Lark some peace of mind. That's part of life on the Barge; it's worse when you're serving a life sentence.
But there is one thing.]
Is there any balance for you? Working to contain the Leitners, and living?
I want to say that you should find it, but that would make me a hypocrite. [More of one. He's aware of his own double standards.]
I honestly can't tell if life would be any better, or if life is meant for a full-tilt pursuit of a given passion. Most people never find their calling at all.
It's something I've- well. I think about it a lot. The job I'm doing, the situation I'm in.
Apparently, I'm-
[ This is something he hasn't brought up to anyone, anyone else. Not Elias, certainly, and not Martin. Not Tim or Basira and certainly not Daisy. It's something he's struggled with, the very idea of it of course, but also what that means in the long run. Where he's going.]
I'm a very very good Archivist. I don't- that's not- I mean, you understand I'm not trying to-
[ Lark understands. He's sure he doesn't need to explain. He has a feeling Lark had the better part of his 'number' as it were well before now.]
The problem is, I don't even know what that means. At least, not in- not how it translates to my... abilities. Or whether things will go differently than... than how they went for the previous Archivist.
[ There's no other way to put that. Sometimes, he thinks of it as murder. Other times as an execution. It's certainly difficult not to think of it that way, given the cold and precise manner of her death.]
Three shots to the torso.
[ He presses his lips tight for a moment, wondering if he should mention it. It's relevant, but-]
She was, apparently, going to destroy the Archives. Her and... Jurgen Leitner.
[Maybe it's not a bad idea, if it's possible. Lark is increasingly doubtful that it could ever be done in a single lifetime.] What does that have to do with balance?
Because that was what Gertrude wanted. Or- or what it seems like she spent her life working towards.
[ And this is something that's bothered him for a while, something that's been niggling at the back of his head since he found out about the first ritual that Gertrude had stopped. Since he heard what the Entities did, how they worked- story after story of lives destroyed, people scarred. Or worse, taken. And Gertrude. Gertrude working for fifty years, preparing and knowing and watching to stop the rituals, using every account, every statement given to her like puzzle pieces.
Pieces. Instead of people. All in an effort to maintain balance. To keep the world exactly as it was, unchanged and unchanging. To keep it churning bodies just to keep it running for the rest of them. The needs of the many etcetera etcetera but how many?
How many more.
And all that while, she gave up pieces. Gave up her assistants. Gave up Gerry. Gave up her 'conscience', by her own telling. And who knew what else she gave up, over all those years? All while carefully measuring. All while planning. All while considering each and every tactical advantage and doing what was necessary for an immediate gain that would nevertheless equate to a zero sum game: the world as it was.
Balance as a microcosm. Balance as a macrocosm.
Was it all worth it?]
If you really care. If you really want something. If you really believe in something, if you know your path... what's the point of halfway?
Because even when you set out with one goal, one wish, one thing in mind...and even if you're devoting all of yourself to it, something else can sneak in. Even the robots here aren't built to be impervious to it.
And when you end up with two equally vital things-- losing either one would be giving up on something irreplaceable in you, because you realize that no one thing can ever bring to life all of you. So you can't stop, and you can't cut either one in half. You have to just find a way to keep juggling them, or better, to integrate them.
[ He wants to have an intelligent discussion on this topic, because it seems like... like Lark has a lot to say, a lot he feels on it. He wants to be able to discuss the intricacies of this, but the fact of the matter is that he can't. That experience is- it's alien to him, completely.]
I've only ever had one.
It's... changed, shifted a little. [ He considers for a moment. ] I've gained a better understanding of it, gotten my hands more firmly around what it is when for so long it was just a- just a nameless yearning.
[ He presses his lips together. ]
But I can't understand the idea of anything outside of it. Anything that doesn't... fold into it, when I'm being truly honest with myself. Anything important, anyway.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
private audio
My clients at home would have hated you.
These other people you told...are they suggesting you interrogate people?
private audio
If you were wondering about my hand, that was an investment banker.
[ He clears his throat. ]
No one has suggested anything. But my experience so far has suggested that I’m in a rather awful Catch 22: do I say something, given the current crisis, or keep it to myself, and have it happen when, invariably, it comes out due to some- some madness of this place and have it used to further undermine any credibility here I might have.
private audio
My question for you is this: power exacts a price from its user. What does it do to you when you use it?
private audio
I... like it. Quite... quite a lot. There’s something- something viscerally satisfying. To knowing what I want to know.
[ A breath in. ]
The closest thing to... to actual payment is probably the statements. I... I have to read them, u-usually once a week or so. At least if I’d like to maintain my health. It’s not- it’s not a direct correlation, I can’t- can’t not ask to hold off. It’s just... part and parcel.
private audio
: private audio
Sorry, you’re- you’re getting this all in pieces.
Statements are... experiences. True supernatural events that someone has- has lived through to tell the tale. Part of my job is- is to both collect them and to record them... and when I do, I- I experience them, the same way that person did at the time.
All the fear, the confusion, the anger and loss and heart sickness- I told you I know what it’s like to be in other people’s shoes. That’s what- what statements do, when produced with the help of an Archivist.
I brought a small trove of them with me from home to keep me sustained. I’ve secreted some in a few places for emergencies but the vast majority of the vetted box is in my cabin. I don’t- I didn’t think it right to ask those here.
private audio
And his second thought is how much harder this is going to make juggling his life at the library with his life with Alec.]
It's something people will want to know. They'll never trust your word if you hide it from them. But if you make your boundaries clear and explain why you don't just run around making people talk...that might help. Some people will avoid you but most of them will come around, some faster than you'd think.
private audio
[ He sighs a little. Then a pause. Finally, he lets out a soft laugh. ]
Will you be one of the ones avoiding me?
private audio
Besides, there is a philosophy Lark adopted years ago: everyone else, every warden included, is locked in with him. All the wardens with all their powers have nowhere to go to escape him except home, while he has nothing but time to decide when and how to destroy them for whatever reason they give him.
He wouldn't be working with Jon if he thought they would ever end up in a situation like that, though. Lark is a man built of contingency plans, but he would never throw himself into a scenario where he really thought it would come to that.]
It takes a lot to scare me off, Jon.
private audio
To paraphrase a certain meme: the risk is calculated but he is terrible at math most days.]
I shall have to endeavor to be worthy of your company then. Given... given that I know it's not... it's not an unconsidered difficulty.
[ He really can't dig into anyone's head
at least not yetbut he remembers their discussion, he remembers the question about being a telepath, and he knows Lark as a predator, someone constantly evaluating threats to themselves and those they claim as their own. He's under, well, less illusions than might be assumed about the people here, any of them really, but especially one who has been through the kind of madness this place subjects people to for as long as Lark has. The place is designed to unmake people, just from what he's seen in his short time. And Lark has survived it even without any exit but a path that satisfies his captors.He thinks his own path will be in the opposite direction, but he's no more keen to satisfy Elias than he thinks Lark is to satisfy the Admiral and he has more faith in Lark than himself on this one.]
I won't throw your gifts in your face again, Lark. I won't- I can't consider whatever 'wardening' I'm here to do over the safety and well being of the people here, especially those who are just as trapped as the people I'm here to help.
Saying what I said, while you were still covered in blood, while there were bodies on the ground-
It was cruel. And I won't repeat the mistake. You deserve that, at the very least.
[ And, lightly, soft-]
You are one of my assistants as well, now. After all.
private audio
Being on the Barge has given him plenty of cynical expectations, it seems, because he listens to Jon start to finish in dumbfounded silence.
Frankly, Lark doesn't deserve many apologies. And he receives close to none of those he does earn. He doesn't ever go looking for someone else's 'sorry' and yet, having one now, it's...moving. Very.
He swallows hard and asks with just a slight rasp of feeling in his voice:]
What changed your mind?
private audio
[ His words are quiet, thoughtful. Not so much careful as deliberate. Chosen. ]
I'm going to be a monster, whether I like it or not. But... it's up to me to choose what kind of monster I'm going to be.
I won't let Elias choose it.
And I won't let the Admiral choose it either.
Which means... being the man- the person I want to be, regardless of... regardless of anything else. And I like to think that person... that person concerns himself first and foremost with the people in front of him. The things he can directly do something about. Which, [ this comes with a mild chuckle ] is the people of the barge, for the foreseeable future.
private audio
Controlling the monsters we become is the single most important thing we can ever do, in my opinion.
private audio
I thought you might understand. I'm... glad... you understand.
And I certainly agree.
[ A pause before. ]
Is there anything I can do to... help you get some rest? You sound tired.
private audio
But there is one thing.]
Is there any balance for you? Working to contain the Leitners, and living?
private audio
There's not much to... balance. Honestly.
Never really has been.
Not for a long time now.
private audio
I honestly can't tell if life would be any better, or if life is meant for a full-tilt pursuit of a given passion. Most people never find their calling at all.
no subject
It's something I've- well. I think about it a lot. The job I'm doing, the situation I'm in.
Apparently, I'm-
[ This is something he hasn't brought up to anyone, anyone else. Not Elias, certainly, and not Martin. Not Tim or Basira and certainly not Daisy. It's something he's struggled with, the very idea of it of course, but also what that means in the long run. Where he's going.]
I'm a very very good Archivist. I don't- that's not- I mean, you understand I'm not trying to-
[ Lark understands. He's sure he doesn't need to explain. He has a feeling Lark had the better part of his 'number' as it were well before now.]
The problem is, I don't even know what that means. At least, not in- not how it translates to my... abilities. Or whether things will go differently than... than how they went for the previous Archivist.
And thus if a balance is... wise.
no subject
And he has thoughts, but he holds them back until he knows a little more.]
What happened to the previous Archivist?
no subject
[ There's no other way to put that. Sometimes, he thinks of it as murder. Other times as an execution. It's certainly difficult not to think of it that way, given the cold and precise manner of her death.]
Three shots to the torso.
[ He presses his lips tight for a moment, wondering if he should mention it. It's relevant, but-]
She was, apparently, going to destroy the Archives. Her and... Jurgen Leitner.
no subject
no subject
[ And this is something that's bothered him for a while, something that's been niggling at the back of his head since he found out about the first ritual that Gertrude had stopped. Since he heard what the Entities did, how they worked- story after story of lives destroyed, people scarred. Or worse, taken. And Gertrude. Gertrude working for fifty years, preparing and knowing and watching to stop the rituals, using every account, every statement given to her like puzzle pieces.
Pieces. Instead of people. All in an effort to maintain balance. To keep the world exactly as it was, unchanged and unchanging. To keep it churning bodies just to keep it running for the rest of them. The needs of the many etcetera etcetera but how many?
How many more.
And all that while, she gave up pieces. Gave up her assistants. Gave up Gerry. Gave up her 'conscience', by her own telling. And who knew what else she gave up, over all those years? All while carefully measuring. All while planning. All while considering each and every tactical advantage and doing what was necessary for an immediate gain that would nevertheless equate to a zero sum game: the world as it was.
Balance as a microcosm. Balance as a macrocosm.
Was it all worth it?]
If you really care. If you really want something. If you really believe in something, if you know your path... what's the point of halfway?
no subject
And when you end up with two equally vital things-- losing either one would be giving up on something irreplaceable in you, because you realize that no one thing can ever bring to life all of you. So you can't stop, and you can't cut either one in half. You have to just find a way to keep juggling them, or better, to integrate them.
no subject
I've only ever had one.
It's... changed, shifted a little. [ He considers for a moment. ] I've gained a better understanding of it, gotten my hands more firmly around what it is when for so long it was just a- just a nameless yearning.
[ He presses his lips together. ]
But I can't understand the idea of anything outside of it. Anything that doesn't... fold into it, when I'm being truly honest with myself. Anything important, anyway.
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