[ He wants to have an intelligent discussion on this topic, because it seems like... like Lark has a lot to say, a lot he feels on it. He wants to be able to discuss the intricacies of this, but the fact of the matter is that he can't. That experience is- it's alien to him, completely.]
I've only ever had one.
It's... changed, shifted a little. [ He considers for a moment. ] I've gained a better understanding of it, gotten my hands more firmly around what it is when for so long it was just a- just a nameless yearning.
[ He presses his lips together. ]
But I can't understand the idea of anything outside of it. Anything that doesn't... fold into it, when I'm being truly honest with myself. Anything important, anyway.
[ His voice is... it doesn't crack but the hair-line fractures are there all the same. It's not pain, exactly. Just... confusion. And something very like horror that it could even be possible.]
[Lark is ashamed that he can't say that with any force. That it comes as a near-whisper, as if he's as superstitious as a kid around a campfire. But he hears the way Jon's voice snaps, ever so slightly, and knows that if he tried to speak up the words would choke him.
But he has to say it. It's like warning the Titanic about ice bergs it can't yet see.]
[His voice is a little stronger, as if that will somehow make his point more clear.]
There is more to lose. And I hope you get to leave before that happens. The second you start thinking you're at the bottom here, Jon? The Admiral will take away your body. And when you think, at least you have your thoughts, he'll take those too.
There is always more to lose here. He will give you something just so he can take it away, if he has to.
[ He hears you, Lark. He hears every word, and he is- it's there, in his voice, clear as day: he is absolutely terrified of it. He's thought before that things couldn't get worse, that the world couldn't get any darker and he's seen it happen. There's so much to be afraid of in his world. But-]
But I can't-
[ He won't repeat it. That's just- unkind. Unfair. But even then, that's not right. It's not true. Instead-]
If you mean the real price is being stripped down, or being alone...maybe you're right. But I hope you never forget Merton's take on prophecy.
You won't be alone here, anyway. Whatever goes on at home, this place is a different kind of hell. You're helping no one if you tempt it, and you're making things worse if you ignore the few good things it does give.
[ And that... hurts. The first time, the real first time that Lark's misunderstood him. And on something so deep, so clear to him.
Don't bite. Don't run. Don't hunger. He might as well ask Lark any of those. Or all of them.
Maybe it's his fault, though. Maybe- maybe he just hasn't explained. Or maybe there is no explanation. Maybe there's something wrong with him, has been something wrong with him since well before he started being changed by something outside of his world.
There's a hollowness to his voice but even then, even now, he's still trying.]
I have... no intention of ignoring what gifts this place might give, Lark. I'm not a fool.
And I have no desire to be... alone.
[ Just a terrible tendency to be anyway. Mostly because it meant that he wasn't putting people in harm's way.]
I know you don't. [There are people here, have been others too, who have wanted to be alone. It's usually temporary. The Admiral doesn't bring on board anyone who is truly solitary. But more than that, Lark has seen Jon's desire to have friends, to make connections.
Just like he can hear now that the conversation is off track.]
[ There's the soft, low sound of his breath out, a relief that Lark caught that and a mild panic because he's not used to anyone caring even if they did. And the idea of apologizing-
To him?]
Asking. Not asking.
[ That's not enough, is it? No, he'll try again.]
It's like telling you not to bite. Not to run. Not to hunt.
[ A breath out.]
You asked, earlier. The price for my answers.
[ He hopes Lark understands this time. He doesn't know how else to put it.]
[Oh. Lark is quiet for a moment, thinking, arranging this over the mistaken assumption earlier.]
I phrased it badly. Because when it comes to asking...I would never ask you not to. I may not always be able to give you answers, but you are always free to ask me anything--and I'd fight to make sure that it's true for everyone else on this ship. The one thing that leads to growth is curiosity.
I just meant that question, what else can I lose, is a dangerous one. I don't believe in fate, so it can't be tempted. But the Admiral can. And besides that....
Just don't let Alec ever hear you ask that. [Because if there is one person on board, one person who knows the answer to that question, it is Alec McDowell. It is X5-494, who was born with no name and just a barcode embroidered in his DNA.] When I met him, I asked him that question. And later on I realized how glib and how cruel it had been. So just...for me, don't say it where he might want to answer it.
[ Lark is no doubt aware of the tensions between Jon and Alec. But there's no anger from Jon's side, just frustration: the itch of two people who agree, completely, on something but disagree just as completely on the means of doing it.
And the idea of lashing out like that, using his abilities or even just excusing his tendencies with that-
No. Never.]
Whether you'd asked or not. Like I said: I choose.
[ He swallows then.]
I have to know. I have to ask. But it's my price to pay.
[ He'd asked that question not glib but lost, tired, feeling hollow. In the privacy of a conversation with someone he's made a habit of opening up to.]
[ A question he's considered a few times, to be honest. Which is why he has an answer.]
I think I knew my world had... shifted...
Right there during my first proper statement. When I felt myself... slide into this- this whole other person. I could- I could taste the alcohol on my tongue, the heavy flavor of tobacco when they'd pulled out a cigarette...
[ Not quite the question, though. Which he addresses a moment later.]
I think I knew I was the Archivist, got my first clue, when Jane Prentiss threatened to kill me on Martin's phone.
No, I haven't. I didn't want to intrude. Things have been- rough, anyway, right now. And I don't make the best impression on intuitive people even when I'm not stressed and sleepless.
[This is actually an important question, though he's trying not to make it sound like it is.
Lark, a wolf, does not tend to jive well with nervous or flighty people. But judging by Jon's reaction--don't think he's missed that particular hesitation--he needs to get on with this one, so he needs to know what angle to use.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I've only ever had one.
It's... changed, shifted a little. [ He considers for a moment. ] I've gained a better understanding of it, gotten my hands more firmly around what it is when for so long it was just a- just a nameless yearning.
[ He presses his lips together. ]
But I can't understand the idea of anything outside of it. Anything that doesn't... fold into it, when I'm being truly honest with myself. Anything important, anyway.
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What else could I lose?
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[Lark is ashamed that he can't say that with any force. That it comes as a near-whisper, as if he's as superstitious as a kid around a campfire. But he hears the way Jon's voice snaps, ever so slightly, and knows that if he tried to speak up the words would choke him.
But he has to say it. It's like warning the Titanic about ice bergs it can't yet see.]
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It's gentle. Not with placation. With a truth he know Lark will understand immediately]
I won't ask you. I promise.
[ But he'll ask. He'll always ask. That's just who he is. He can't help that.]
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There is more to lose. And I hope you get to leave before that happens. The second you start thinking you're at the bottom here, Jon? The Admiral will take away your body. And when you think, at least you have your thoughts, he'll take those too.
There is always more to lose here. He will give you something just so he can take it away, if he has to.
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[ He hears you, Lark. He hears every word, and he is- it's there, in his voice, clear as day: he is absolutely terrified of it. He's thought before that things couldn't get worse, that the world couldn't get any darker and he's seen it happen. There's so much to be afraid of in his world. But-]
But I can't-
[ He won't repeat it. That's just- unkind. Unfair. But even then, that's not right. It's not true. Instead-]
It's who I am.
It's what I am.
[ A breath, a heartbeat, before-]
Maybe that's the real price.
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You won't be alone here, anyway. Whatever goes on at home, this place is a different kind of hell. You're helping no one if you tempt it, and you're making things worse if you ignore the few good things it does give.
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Don't bite. Don't run. Don't hunger. He might as well ask Lark any of those. Or all of them.
Maybe it's his fault, though. Maybe- maybe he just hasn't explained. Or maybe there is no explanation. Maybe there's something wrong with him, has been something wrong with him since well before he started being changed by something outside of his world.
There's a hollowness to his voice but even then, even now, he's still trying.]
I have... no intention of ignoring what gifts this place might give, Lark. I'm not a fool.
And I have no desire to be... alone.
[ Just a terrible tendency to be anyway. Mostly because it meant that he wasn't putting people in harm's way.]
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Just like he can hear now that the conversation is off track.]
Tell me what I got wrong just now?
[It isn't a challenge, it's an apology.]
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To him?]
Asking. Not asking.
[ That's not enough, is it? No, he'll try again.]
It's like telling you not to bite. Not to run. Not to hunt.
[ A breath out.]
You asked, earlier. The price for my answers.
[ He hopes Lark understands this time. He doesn't know how else to put it.]
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I phrased it badly. Because when it comes to asking...I would never ask you not to. I may not always be able to give you answers, but you are always free to ask me anything--and I'd fight to make sure that it's true for everyone else on this ship. The one thing that leads to growth is curiosity.
I just meant that question, what else can I lose, is a dangerous one. I don't believe in fate, so it can't be tempted. But the Admiral can. And besides that....
Just don't let Alec ever hear you ask that. [Because if there is one person on board, one person who knows the answer to that question, it is Alec McDowell. It is X5-494, who was born with no name and just a barcode embroidered in his DNA.] When I met him, I asked him that question. And later on I realized how glib and how cruel it had been. So just...for me, don't say it where he might want to answer it.
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I wouldn't.
[ Lark is no doubt aware of the tensions between Jon and Alec. But there's no anger from Jon's side, just frustration: the itch of two people who agree, completely, on something but disagree just as completely on the means of doing it.
And the idea of lashing out like that, using his abilities or even just excusing his tendencies with that-
No. Never.]
Whether you'd asked or not. Like I said: I choose.
[ He swallows then.]
I have to know. I have to ask. But it's my price to pay.
[ He'd asked that question not glib but lost, tired, feeling hollow. In the privacy of a conversation with someone he's made a habit of opening up to.]
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[ There's a very huffy sort of noise there, pure irritation more than anything.]
Apparently there are just... things I need to 'experience'.
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When did you find out you're the Archivist?
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I think I knew my world had... shifted...
Right there during my first proper statement. When I felt myself... slide into this- this whole other person. I could- I could taste the alcohol on my tongue, the heavy flavor of tobacco when they'd pulled out a cigarette...
[ Not quite the question, though. Which he addresses a moment later.]
I think I knew I was the Archivist, got my first clue, when Jane Prentiss threatened to kill me on Martin's phone.
[ There's a pause now, as he realizes-]
Have you met Martin yet?
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No, I haven't. I didn't want to intrude. Things have been- rough, anyway, right now. And I don't make the best impression on intuitive people even when I'm not stressed and sleepless.
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[ How does one describe Martin? How does he describe Martin?
Whatever he says, it will be said with a begrudging sort of fondness.]
Kind. Skittish but...
He's more than you'd expect. Though not particularly... intuitive.
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He was assigned as my assistant. So our... first meeting was somewhat professional.
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[This is actually an important question, though he's trying not to make it sound like it is.
Lark, a wolf, does not tend to jive well with nervous or flighty people. But judging by Jon's reaction--don't think he's missed that particular hesitation--he needs to get on with this one, so he needs to know what angle to use.]
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[ And this is a bit more awkward.]
I... may have intimidated him, just a little. I think, once he's, uh, once he's got something of a feel for you, he'll settle out.
[ He can guess what these questions are about.]
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[Hint, hint.]
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[ You're not subtle, Lark.]
Well, I'll see if I can invite you over at the same time, but... just in case you stumble into him. Or, er, vice versa.