ukan | IC CONTACT

Kiryu is holding off from food for the moment, because they’re talking and he eats like a starving dog.

He glances at Pagan and then at Lark and it’s nothing he’s said out loud except for once back home; it’s a fact. Understood.

“The man who stands at the top, the strongest… to anyone who would make a name or claim a seat, he’s a wall to climb. You can’t fall, or you risk crushing others. But it means men will keep coming to climb.”

Edited 2021-06-19 05:39 (UTC)

It's near identical to how packs work. On the Barge, Lark paints it in a softer light. He tells people about the positives: the unfathomable depths of emotion, the safety in the numbers, the strength all in one's own blood.

He leaves out the bloodthirst, the constant search for weaknesses to exploit. It's not relevant here where his only packmates are Warren and Iris, people he can trust.

"It must be nice to have a break from all of that here," he murmurs. It certainly has been for him. "I think I can see more of why you feel so comfortable with Pagan."

Edited 2021-06-19 05:43 (UTC)

Pagan raises his eyebrows at that, not really expecting to be pulled into this part of the conversation.

"Comfortable because of that? I nearly killed him the first time I saw him. When I knew what he was."

He picks up his tea.

"But I don't speak for him."

"You would have tried," he says mildly to Pagan, but there's no real bite or heat or even firmness. It's a tease, and a soft one at that, and his hands lightly brushing his thigh should say that he's so happy it didn't go that way. But after a moment, he turns to Lark and he nods.

"This place is a relief for many reasons. The both of you among them."

He'd solved the problem of the constant challenges by 'dying'. Now, here, he could actually try to live. Build something.

"If we were all at home, in the same world, I'd congratulate you both without any reservations." They clearly work well together, at least so far; he doesn't know when they'll have their first fight, or if they have already. It's not his business.

"But as a warden, as Pagan's warden, I need us all to be clear about what this looks like in this setting."

There it is.

Pagan instantly tenses, his fingers wrapping around his cup and his eyes narrowing. He doesn't say anything, but he knows he doesn't have to. He trusts the two men in the room know him well enough to read him by now. He doesn't have to say anything in order to radiate displeasure at that statement.

But he'll give him the benefit for the moment and not jump down his throat.

For now.

Kiryu doesn't say anything, because Lark hasn't really said anything. Instead, he spreads a hand and gestures to Lark.

Lay out your case. If they're going to be on the same page, if they're going to be clear, they have to know what Lark is thinking. What his concerns are.

"My role here is to be Pagan's advocate. I'm here to help him graduate." He looks from one to the other, calm, not reacting to Pagan's obvious tension. Yet.

"Being an inmate puts him at a permanent disadvantage. Until he graduates, you will always have a station above him, Kiryu. The power imbalance has always concerned me." A pause. "But Alec graduated before me. I started dating him when we were inmates, yes; but when he graduated I saw the way things are subtly imbalanced. Part of what he and I want to do here is to make it more level...instead of viewing it as a prisoner and a warden, we both want the ship to begin to see people as equals who are simply at different points in a progression."

He watches them for a beat. "But that's an uphill battle. And with things as they are, I don't want you two to have to juggle wondering if Kiryu is filling in the role of warden. I think it's in everyone's best interest if it's clear that your relationship is solely romantic, and the wardening aspects are left entirely to my relationship with Pagan. Thoughts?"

Pagan just sets his cup down. Slowly. With precision. The anger isn't gone yet, but he's still just below the boiling point.

"I suppose that depends on what you mean by 'wardening' aspects, Lark. If I feel like murdering someone, I should come to you, and if I want a fun night, I'll go to Kazuma? Is that what you're saying?" he presses. "I suppose-" he gives him a fake laugh, gesturing slightly, "-and you'll have to forgive me because I just don't understand- my confusion stems from what the fuck you think has been happening for the past month."

Kiryu is quiet for a moment, and his quiet is both to let him process what both of them have said, but also to add a different kind of tension to the room and drain the one currently making the air nearly vibrate, at least a little. It's something he's learned over the years, a way to draw the attention to him, to focus the room; nothing he would know how to describe or teach, just something he learned.

"What is it about what you've seen makes this a concern to you?"

Quiet, plainspoken, and calm. Willing to listen and intent to hear.

Edited 2021-06-19 06:50 (UTC)

"I've seen wardens get away with a lot. I don't think you, especially, are a risk in the way other wardens are. This isn't a 'come to Jesus' moment," he says this especially to Pagan. "Because what I think you've been doing the past few weeks is enjoying a healthy, positive relationship."

To both of them: "But because of the unique circumstances on the Barge, I have a role with Pagan I wouldn't have if we could just be friends, like we would be off the ship. What I want isn't to point out flaws. I want to make sure I know what boundaries you two have in regards to me being Pagan's warden. When people find out about you two, they're going to intrude, they're going to push back on me 'allowing' Pagan to do something when I don't make your choices for you, nor would I even if I could."

He rubs a hand over his face. "I'm not here to tell you what to do, Pagan. Either of you. My job is to help you."

Edited 2021-06-19 07:02 (UTC)

It's a mixture of Kiryu's calmness and Lark's rational explanation and their combined unwillingness to engage with Pagan's mood that breaks his cycle of anger. He huffs once, but the bite has left him.

It's always been that simple.

"We are delaying that as long as possible," Pagan points out, finally able to talk without grinding his teeth. "People finding out, that is. There are only a few who know. Iris and Yulan, mostly. But if there's pushback, I'll ensure that they know you have no part in it. I'm quite grown up now. I make my own fucking choices."

There is one question he has and he picks up his cup again before asking. "What boundaries are you talking about? What are you asking, Lark?"

Kiryu feels the mood shift in Pagan, and he's very glad to feel it. He lets Pagan speak, because he isn't saying anything that they don't both agree with or know. And he also would like to know the answer to the last.

But he'll dip his head to Lark, his eyes staying focused on him as he does.

"What about a 'healthy, positive relationship' gives you concerns?"

He rests his elbows on the table, his chin on steepled fingers. "Let me ask you something, both of you: when you think of a warden, and specifically me as a warden, what specific things to you picture me doing?"

Pagan glances once to Kiryu but doesn't mind saying this bit out loud. He's already told Kiryu most of it.

"After Alec got here and you came to my cabin to talk me out of my fucking madness. Or when you pushed back on me about Norton. Convincing me to get rid of that damn necklace. Or when you wouldn't leave me the fuck alone after I stabbed Yunlan and I couldn't tell you why." He lists off those instances fondly, overly so.

"I don't know what other wardens do and I don't know what he does," he says, indicating Kiryu. "But that's what you do. And that hasn't changed. So, hence my confusion on the matter."

Again, he gives Pagan's words time to breathe and waits before he looks over to Lark.

"The truth?" And he'll sit back a little, keeps himself from crossing his arms even though he'd like to. For most people, it's a sign of defensiveness, and he knows that. For him, it's something to do with his arms and hands to keep them from clenching .

"I don't think of it at all. It's not my place. Anymore than it would be my place to suggest or consider treatment options if you were a doctor and Pagan was your patient. My responsibility as his partner only goes as far as ensuring he isn't being abused by his caregiver."

He raises a hand to ensure-

"A concern I don't have."

Lark nods. It isn't anything he hadn't expected, but he's learned it pays to hear it aloud. Pagan's response first gets a noticeable warming in Lark's demeanor; Kiryu's only furthers it.

"That is my only solid concern. There's an inherent bias in being so attached to someone, which on the one hand I'm glad you two can have for each other. It's a solid protection against some of the things that happen to us here. But on the other, my role is still as his advocate. Alec and I mostly stayed out of each other's pairings but it wasn't always easy. I just want to know that my advice, and if there's ever another stabbing for example, my choices in helping manage it, won't be shunted aside because you have another warden who's invested in you."

He smiles slightly at Pagan. "This is my version of what you felt you needed when Alec came on board, I think."

Lark's own version of insisting on their relationship being reassured.

"Ah. We, this is my version of being fucking annoyed that you need the assurance. But Kazuma has a point. And I don't want him involved in my... rehabilitation anymore than I would want Yunlan."

He gives him a pointed look.

"So...are you assured?"

"I told you before that I believe one of the problem this ship faces is a lack of respect between wardens. As wardens." He dips his head towards Lark. "I may discuss methodology and ideaology with you professionally, Lark-san. But ultimately, even that discussion demands respect for your capability and competence.

"But it doesn't end there."

Where Lark sees this as something that might make Kiryu meddle, Kiryu sees it the opposite way: as an opportunity for greater trust in the other man, and one which can't function without that trust.

Had Pagan decided to pursue a relationship with Yunlan, Lark would have bucked against it hard. Had Pagan pursued any other warden Lark can think of, Lark would have had solid, loud objections.

In his gut there is still a wariness, a constant fear of power being corrupted or abused. It has nothing to do with Kiryu specifically though, and it can never be fully rooted out. He's been under other people's boots long enough that it's ingrained to resist anything that resembles it for himself or people he cares about.

But he also knows very well that ideals without room to grow become obstacles. Adapt or the steady march of time will crush you, he's always telling his packmates.

Kiryu, though. Kiryu is someone Lark trusts with this. He studies them both a moment and then lifts his mug of tea in a 'cheers' before he sips from it again. "Then I'm reassured. And less afraid of being replaced," a wink at Pagan. "Do you have any concerns for me?"

Pagan considers this for a long while, sorting through his own annoyances and flashes of anger and emotions. He wants to shake them both and he wants to walk out. He's upset, but, underneath it all, he knows that it's because they care. Not simply about optics, but about him, specifically.

That's what he finds hardest to swallow.

"That we simply continue in this fashion and any further discussion regarding me should involve me," he finally tells them both. "That's all I ask. A little transparency in these times doesn't seem like too much of a sacrifice."

He winces and bows his head to Pagan; he realizes how patronizing this might feel to him. How awkward it is to talk about his process between the two of them in front of him. But the words needed to be said.

"Of course, Pagan." No '-san' here. He feels they're just a bit beyond that point, after all. But either of them are welcome to notice.

"I've never discussed anything about you without you being there or knowing it," aside from relating to Alec a funny joke Pagan has said sometimes. "And I never will. That's why I wanted you both here."

He sets his mug down. "I'm sorry if this felt like an ambush, or that I was trying to talk over your head, Pagan. That's not what my intention was. I was trying to avoid that."

Again, he's quiet. Thinking. Kiryu gets a nod of acknowledgement, a brush of his fingers against his. Pagan does better with touch than words in this situations, when his words threaten to spin him out of control.

But he tries. "Well that is why I did say continue. This was less of an ambush than you might have thought, but it was certainly not the sort of lecture I wanted to find myself in."

He leans forward. "But here we are. Now I realize I've made - misjudgments in where I place my trust in the past. And I am trying to be cautious about it now. But this is good Lark. The only fucking good thing in my life, other than my stupid mutt of a warden. And I'd like to keep it around a while longer."

Because if it's going to blow up, he knows he's going to be the one to push the button.

Kiryu makes a decision to eschew words, which is why his hand will reach over and find Pagan's, intertwine and give a soft squeeze as he turns to look at Pagan. Find his eyes. Tell him as earnestly and honestly, with all of him: Pagan means just as much to him. And for every similar reasons.

He won't stay there long, just long enough for Pagan to hopefully 'hear' him before he turns to Lark and bows his head.

"I am sorry, Lark-san. I didn't mean to ignore the meal you provided. It smells very good."

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject