ukan | IC Inbox III

Hey.

I need to go punch something. What's around here?

The Enclosure?

What's happened?

I hate the Enclosure. Stinks of magic.

Too many things. Xie Lian makes my fists ache and my head hurt, and he won't fucking teach me how he protects the ship because he thinks I'm too stupid and I don't listen. Dorian admitted to torturing Sephiroth. Every warden I talk to about changing things calls me a fuck-off hypocrite. I'm getting along with Kirei and it feels dirty.

Oh, and I'm back on the ship after port and I've learned that makes me claustrophobic.

Ah...right, the 'you're a hypocrite' accusations. [The ship is very fond of them.] In my experience? It means you're doing something right.

How hard do you want to hit?

[He exhales, covering his eyes]

Really, really hard. Not as hard as 'give me a concussion' but harder than 'play fighting'.

...All right, well, my husband isn't here to laugh at me when I come home with a split lip.

Yeah. He talked to me about watching out for you.

I don't want to hit you in place of other people.

[Of course Alec did. But he skips over that--he wants to focus on Trevor.]

Well, there's always the gym.

That or you could tell me who's calling you a hypocrite.

Jon. Zack. Probably Xie Lian, in his own way.

Doesn't really matter. I think everyone here would be happier if I just went back to being a drunk who didn't care about anything.

Hey, did you know that we're on a literal stolen ship? And there are still people who want to tell me the Admiral isn't a piece of shit.

I do. I try to ignore the people who still believe in him.

Why are Jon and Zack on you?

Ignoring might be a better use of my time.

I picked a fight with Jon. Felt like he wasn't really understanding that I don't like wardens picking temporary inmates up and it escalated from there into me telling him what an evil bastard the Admiral is and him telling me that because he got to save his world from being tortured to death, the Admiral was obviously good.

Then he came after me at work and I got in his face. So he used his powers to trip me and I'm fucking done with him.

Zack's just being Zack. We argued about Sephiroth, again. I said I don't want him tortured. He says it's rich coming from me who wanted him dead. The usual.

I'm so sick of this shit, Lark. How'd you stand it for so long?

Edited 2022-07-05 13:54 (UTC)

[He's rubbing his temple, trying to soothe away a building stress headache.]

I found the people who understood and stuck with them when I needed a break from arguing with the rest of the ship. You'll go nuts if you don't have that.

Who's trying to torture Sephiroth?

Yeah. Good idea. Think Adrian's probably around.

Dorian, Pagan. Zack thinks it wasn't real torture. Sephiroth might beg to differ.

Oh for fuck's...

I need details. Are they planning anything, have they done anything? [Wait.] Zack thinks 'it wasn't' torture? Someone already got to him? Have you spoken to Sephiroth?

Edited 2022-07-05 14:01 (UTC)

They aren't planning anything. They already did it. I spoke to Sephiroth already.

According to Zack, Dorian played music that he hated, and Pagan read him some erotic shit. So not exactly knives and hot pokers, but doing that to someone who can't escape or block it out, especially if the music's loud enough....

I don't know. I'm overreacting. Fuck, this is so goddamn stupid. He murdered Trixie. Why the fuck do I care if he was 'really' tortured?

You do, though. So do I. Because torture takes a greater degree of cruelty?

Yeah. I guess.

I was trying to explain that to Zack and he wanted to keep bringing up the time I set that vampire priest on fire.

I'm a lot of things. I'm not a fucking torturer.

I've tortured people. I've killed people.

If you want to know the thing I struggle to live with, it's the torture. When I kill, it's because there's no other way to keep people safe. Torture is never necessary. There is a difference, and it matters. You caring about that matters.

People like Zack see black and white. The world is very clear to them--there's right and there's wrong and it's always to their definitions--and they struggle when people see grey. Sometimes I need that perspective, to be honest, Trevor. I need someone with rigid morals to measure my ideas against sometimes. I'm a monster, and I'm still learning how morality works. But it doesn't mean I'm always going to agree with his perspective. You have to have your own compass.

Edited 2022-07-05 14:18 (UTC)

He's a warden. I'm an inmate.

So the fuck-off Necromancer agrees with him and his black-and-white views.

And if it were only me here, I don't think I'd care. But there are plenty of inmates here who don't deserve this shit. And I don't know why I have to keep on picking fights.

....Shit. Yeah, I do.

The Admiral tortures people. And the wardens who want to accept that because he does it in the name of good things are people I really, really don't like.

I'm a warden, too. I have been longer than he has. [Or roughly the same. Time, for him, is so blurry.] So the Admiral must also agree with me.

And you're right. No one deserves the torture. It's why I'm here...to help figure out how to make the times in between the floods and breaches more bearable. And it seems like that's what you're trying to do, too.

Heh. True. that, or you argued your wardenship out of him for so long that he just gave up and rolled over.

Yeah. Bearable. Safe, for the ones who can't defend themselves as easily.

And it used to be easier not to give a fuck what others thought about me, because I had weapons and ways to defend myself or walk away. But now I'm fighting Zack who's kicked my ass at least twice, and Jon who has no issue about using his fuck-off powers against me. And I'm trapped on this stupid fucking ship and wasting my time with these assholes, but if I don't say anything, no one will.

I'm...well. Fuck it. Sorry.

If we don't say anything, no one knows that anyone gives a damn. As long as we keep reaching out to the victims when things happen, they might not give up and just accept what people do to them.

I think I need to ask for my restraints lifted.

Kirei's more a symptom than an actual cause. I think...we worked together with the Pope's protection. I'm all right forgiving what he did to me now.

And there are times where I worry I might need to be getting in between a warden and inmate.

Kirei is a warden who preyed on an inmate. Your forgiveness weighs in at a lot, but- Trevor, I'm not convinced he's not a danger.

It was a flood. And it was over a year ago. He hasn't hurt anyone like that.

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