I picked a fight with Jon. Felt like he wasn't really understanding that I don't like wardens picking temporary inmates up and it escalated from there into me telling him what an evil bastard the Admiral is and him telling me that because he got to save his world from being tortured to death, the Admiral was obviously good.
Then he came after me at work and I got in his face. So he used his powers to trip me and I'm fucking done with him.
Zack's just being Zack. We argued about Sephiroth, again. I said I don't want him tortured. He says it's rich coming from me who wanted him dead. The usual.
I'm so sick of this shit, Lark. How'd you stand it for so long?
[He's rubbing his temple, trying to soothe away a building stress headache.]
I found the people who understood and stuck with them when I needed a break from arguing with the rest of the ship. You'll go nuts if you don't have that.
I need details. Are they planning anything, have they done anything? [Wait.] Zack thinks 'it wasn't' torture? Someone already got to him? Have you spoken to Sephiroth?
They aren't planning anything. They already did it. I spoke to Sephiroth already.
According to Zack, Dorian played music that he hated, and Pagan read him some erotic shit. So not exactly knives and hot pokers, but doing that to someone who can't escape or block it out, especially if the music's loud enough....
I don't know. I'm overreacting. Fuck, this is so goddamn stupid. He murdered Trixie. Why the fuck do I care if he was 'really' tortured?
If you want to know the thing I struggle to live with, it's the torture. When I kill, it's because there's no other way to keep people safe. Torture is never necessary. There is a difference, and it matters. You caring about that matters.
People like Zack see black and white. The world is very clear to them--there's right and there's wrong and it's always to their definitions--and they struggle when people see grey. Sometimes I need that perspective, to be honest, Trevor. I need someone with rigid morals to measure my ideas against sometimes. I'm a monster, and I'm still learning how morality works. But it doesn't mean I'm always going to agree with his perspective. You have to have your own compass.
So the fuck-off Necromancer agrees with him and his black-and-white views.
And if it were only me here, I don't think I'd care. But there are plenty of inmates here who don't deserve this shit. And I don't know why I have to keep on picking fights.
....Shit. Yeah, I do.
The Admiral tortures people. And the wardens who want to accept that because he does it in the name of good things are people I really, really don't like.
I'm a warden, too. I have been longer than he has. [Or roughly the same. Time, for him, is so blurry.] So the Admiral must also agree with me.
And you're right. No one deserves the torture. It's why I'm here...to help figure out how to make the times in between the floods and breaches more bearable. And it seems like that's what you're trying to do, too.
Heh. True. that, or you argued your wardenship out of him for so long that he just gave up and rolled over.
Yeah. Bearable. Safe, for the ones who can't defend themselves as easily.
And it used to be easier not to give a fuck what others thought about me, because I had weapons and ways to defend myself or walk away. But now I'm fighting Zack who's kicked my ass at least twice, and Jon who has no issue about using his fuck-off powers against me. And I'm trapped on this stupid fucking ship and wasting my time with these assholes, but if I don't say anything, no one will.
If we don't say anything, no one knows that anyone gives a damn. As long as we keep reaching out to the victims when things happen, they might not give up and just accept what people do to them.
[It doesn't settle his hackles or anything, but he tries to prioritize the wishes of the victims in incidents. And he also doesn't want to lean so heavily on how protective he feels of Trevor; no reason to spook the man because a werewolf has decided to adopt him into the family.]
Okay.
I still want to workshop new ways of dealing with these assholes, though. Stopping an incident in progress is one thing; we need to figure out how to prevent the incidents from reoccurring or it's just going to be the endless cycle it has been for years.
We're not going to get very far if their wardens don't want it.
I think the part that kills me the most is the inconsistency. There's no laws or guidelines. It's every warden reinventing the wheel for their own inmate. Depending on who you get, that could be a slap on the wrist or public humiliation or actual torture. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be.
The reason is that what works on one person is nothing to another. Not one of the inmates I've been paired with has responded the same way the others have. Pagan, when he got in trouble? I could talk it out with him.
You're more like I am.
So what I'm after isn't a uniform set of consequences, because that never would have worked on me. What I'm after is everyone agreeing that there need to be consequences that actually matter.
The short story is I learned empathy. I'd never had it before. Even as a human I never...cared about other people. I could imagine what they were feeling but only if it was useful to me.
People think we're alike because we're both stubborn and we both do what we think is right, regardless of who it pisses off. We frustrate people so they think we deserve to frustrate each other.
I think they'd be even more frustrated if they knew how much I like working with you. [With, not for, not over. Trevor is more like a partner than an inmate.
All this is also said so he can pause and think about the question.]
I have to stop sometimes and weigh what I feel about someone against what I'm after, remind myself that I like them enough to sacrifice something I care about doing. When I'm able to do that I feel better. ...Usually. Sometimes caring about people pisses me off.
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Re: private;
I picked a fight with Jon. Felt like he wasn't really understanding that I don't like wardens picking temporary inmates up and it escalated from there into me telling him what an evil bastard the Admiral is and him telling me that because he got to save his world from being tortured to death, the Admiral was obviously good.
Then he came after me at work and I got in his face. So he used his powers to trip me and I'm fucking done with him.
Zack's just being Zack. We argued about Sephiroth, again. I said I don't want him tortured. He says it's rich coming from me who wanted him dead. The usual.
I'm so sick of this shit, Lark. How'd you stand it for so long?
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I found the people who understood and stuck with them when I needed a break from arguing with the rest of the ship. You'll go nuts if you don't have that.
Who's trying to torture Sephiroth?
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Dorian, Pagan. Zack thinks it wasn't real torture. Sephiroth might beg to differ.
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I need details. Are they planning anything, have they done anything? [Wait.] Zack thinks 'it wasn't' torture? Someone already got to him? Have you spoken to Sephiroth?
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According to Zack, Dorian played music that he hated, and Pagan read him some erotic shit. So not exactly knives and hot pokers, but doing that to someone who can't escape or block it out, especially if the music's loud enough....
I don't know. I'm overreacting. Fuck, this is so goddamn stupid. He murdered Trixie. Why the fuck do I care if he was 'really' tortured?
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I was trying to explain that to Zack and he wanted to keep bringing up the time I set that vampire priest on fire.
I'm a lot of things. I'm not a fucking torturer.
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If you want to know the thing I struggle to live with, it's the torture. When I kill, it's because there's no other way to keep people safe. Torture is never necessary. There is a difference, and it matters. You caring about that matters.
People like Zack see black and white. The world is very clear to them--there's right and there's wrong and it's always to their definitions--and they struggle when people see grey. Sometimes I need that perspective, to be honest, Trevor. I need someone with rigid morals to measure my ideas against sometimes. I'm a monster, and I'm still learning how morality works. But it doesn't mean I'm always going to agree with his perspective. You have to have your own compass.
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So the fuck-off Necromancer agrees with him and his black-and-white views.
And if it were only me here, I don't think I'd care. But there are plenty of inmates here who don't deserve this shit. And I don't know why I have to keep on picking fights.
....Shit. Yeah, I do.
The Admiral tortures people. And the wardens who want to accept that because he does it in the name of good things are people I really, really don't like.
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And you're right. No one deserves the torture. It's why I'm here...to help figure out how to make the times in between the floods and breaches more bearable. And it seems like that's what you're trying to do, too.
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Yeah. Bearable. Safe, for the ones who can't defend themselves as easily.
And it used to be easier not to give a fuck what others thought about me, because I had weapons and ways to defend myself or walk away. But now I'm fighting Zack who's kicked my ass at least twice, and Jon who has no issue about using his fuck-off powers against me. And I'm trapped on this stupid fucking ship and wasting my time with these assholes, but if I don't say anything, no one will.
I'm...well. Fuck it. Sorry.
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Kirei's more a symptom than an actual cause. I think...we worked together with the Pope's protection. I'm all right forgiving what he did to me now.
And there are times where I worry I might need to be getting in between a warden and inmate.
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Okay.
I still want to workshop new ways of dealing with these assholes, though. Stopping an incident in progress is one thing; we need to figure out how to prevent the incidents from reoccurring or it's just going to be the endless cycle it has been for years.
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I think the part that kills me the most is the inconsistency. There's no laws or guidelines. It's every warden reinventing the wheel for their own inmate. Depending on who you get, that could be a slap on the wrist or public humiliation or actual torture. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be.
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You're more like I am.
So what I'm after isn't a uniform set of consequences, because that never would have worked on me. What I'm after is everyone agreeing that there need to be consequences that actually matter.
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What worked on you?
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The short story is I learned empathy. I'd never had it before. Even as a human I never...cared about other people. I could imagine what they were feeling but only if it was useful to me.
I learned how to be better than that.
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Huh.
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Everyone wants to tell us we deserve each other and that we're so much alike. I just can't shut off the part of my brain that cares about people.
Tried plenty of times. Can't do it. I can't empathize with your lack of empathy. Weird.
So is it like a muscle with you, or..? Practice until you get it right?
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I think they'd be even more frustrated if they knew how much I like working with you. [With, not for, not over. Trevor is more like a partner than an inmate.
All this is also said so he can pause and think about the question.]
I have to stop sometimes and weigh what I feel about someone against what I'm after, remind myself that I like them enough to sacrifice something I care about doing. When I'm able to do that I feel better. ...Usually. Sometimes caring about people pisses me off.
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Mmn.
Because they won't do as they're told, or because you can never keep anyone truly safe without enslaving them to your will?
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