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[ukan]

This is Lark Tennant, leave a message.

[Or a note, or a drop-by]

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[epistemological]

"All right."

Which is when he breathes out and that feeling, those eyes on him, are almost overwhelming. The feeling of the air is charged, electric, like sparks could fly off of nothing any minute.

"Why do you need to figure it out, Lark? Tell me."

[ukan]

"Because." This does hurt. This hurts in such a physical way it reminds him of when his sternum cracks to rearrange itself to become a wolf's, and it has nothing to do with Jon pulling it out of him.

"Because no matter what I do I can never set it right. If I can't control whatever it is in me that puts curiosity ahead of everything, I will lose everything. And even if I control it I can't help them, I can't repair it."

[epistemological]

"Do you know what that thing is?"

No power behind it. There's something to be said for letting people come to their own conclusions. And maybe, hopefully, Lark's heard a few things that might help him.

[ukan]

"No." A slow, shaky breath. "So I blame it on instinct. Everything I don't understand and can't control about myself, I blame on instinct, because I know how to combat that. Except it doesn't work against this...whatever it is."

[epistemological]

"...do you want to know if that's what it is?" And he's watching Lark, trying to get a gauge of how he's doing, whether he's doing any real damage. This is a little more in depth than he'd thought at first, but he won't give up now. Lark had helped him, had helped him so many times. He could hardly fail him.

[ukan]

He wouldn't have guessed that he would hesitate if given the chance to know something about himself that has been hidden. But he does, because Jon hadn't been exaggerating when he said this was hard. Painful.

He nods anyway. "I need to know." A need, like he'd told Jon. An inescapable need to know whatever secrets are in his reach.

[epistemological]

"All right."

So very gentle.

He breathes in deep and slow and breathe out and he's going to pull in earnest now, knows how deep this is and knows just as well that Lark needs it. Like his own teeth in soft muscle, he tears.

"What is it that makes you need to know, Lark?"

[ukan]

"Because it's the only thing that makes life." Not life worth living; that's too subjective. "I refuse to be stagnant. I refuse to stop. Knowledge makes change and change makes life evolve and I refuse to stand aside and not be part of it."

[epistemological]

And Jon lets go of it, lets his head drop back as his eyes close, all of them.

"...well," he says after a minute or two, sounding a little mindblown, "there you- there you go."

[ukan]

What Lark feels is a flood of relief, as sudden and all-cleansing as the sort of flash floods that roar through the canyons in the desert.

"Shit," he says, marveling.

[epistemological]

"...I feel it would be a bit tasteless to ask for a cigarette, but the thought crossed my mind."

But he can't help that he's... well, he's smiling a little. He can see that Lark is better for this, for knowing this, that he helped. Those moments feel so few and far between.

[ukan]

Lark laughs. "Then I won't ask if it was good for you, too." He glances Jon over. "And it seems superfluous to ask if you're okay but I will anyway."

[epistemological]

"It didn't- I didn't get anything from that in the- in that way," he admits with a softer sort of smile. "It doesn't really like being helpful. But... I was able to help someone I- someone I care about. A great deal."

He will wave off anything more exact than that.

"There's something to be said for the more, uh, holistic benefits, I guess."

[ukan]

He stretches out, feeling more relaxed than he has in years. "There is. I just wish more could be done for you."

[epistemological]

“Hopefully,” he says with a deep breath in, “I’ll be able to do something soon enough. Something definitive.”

[ukan]

Lark nods. Here, there's always an option, even if there's something to sacrifice that might sour it. "You'll tell me if I can help?"

[epistemological]

He looks down at his leg.

“I believe I just did,” he says with a quick grin.

[ukan]

"I'll need to check in on Martin in a few weeks, make sure he doesn't plan on snapping Alec's leg in a bear trap to make things even," he teases.

[epistemological]

"...I wish I could say with certainty he wouldn't, but he is rather protective."

He's also kidding. Like... 99% kidding.

[ukan]

"It's always the quiet ones," he smirks. "Do you want me to wait with you until he gets home?"

[epistemological]

"Your company is always welcome, but I think it might be best if I see you at the library. Let me explain things to him."