ukan | IC CONTACT

Kiryu notices, and keeps his own hands in his lap accordingly. To the question, he nods, as if accepting that this is going to be an interrogation.

"Shortly before I messaged you. We wanted to wait some days after the breach before coming to a decision, and despite the decision, we haven't-" how does he put this, his eyes slip down for only a moment before he nods to himself this time and meets Lark's again, "officially, we haven't begun the relationship. We've just decided together that we would like to."

"I'm not here to try to talk you out of it. No matter what I think, I'm the bad guy if you change your mind now, and I sure as hell don't need Pagan giving him an excuse to trust me even less than he apparently does." His expression very still, his tone evenly icy.

"I thought better of your judgment." The disappointment hurts, and he's angry at himself for having had faith in sometime he barely know. But the bomb has already dropped and all they can do is go forward. "So let's discuss preventative measures for if this goes wrong and sets Pagan further back."

Edited 2021-05-31 16:41 (UTC)

Kiryu? Looks genuinely confused at the first. And there's a flicker of something stormy at the second, but it's not something he shoves away. Instead, it's something he reconsiders. The icy tone and the stillness speaks to him of hurt. At the same time, he doesn't appreciate that a judgement has been made already, despite a single question having been answered.

He didn't realize Lark had no idea this was happening. Or that he would view things this way. So in that way, the disappointment is mutual. He bows his head for a moment as he works through what he wants to say.

"I would like to know, first, what you think my 'judgement' entails."

"Beginning a romantic relationship with an inmate." A tiny flicker of hope. "Or did I completely misunderstand you?"

"You didn't misunderstand," he says, because no, that's what he said. That's what he meant as well. "But it sounds like you have a very complete idea of what that means. And why I would choose to do so. And what the result will be. And I would like to know what they are, because they are clearly different from my own."

"You have some idea of the complications. Maybe even of the risks. You said you'd considered them; what were they?"

Kiryu takes a sip of the tea now, but it's more to lubricate his throat. He's not a big talker, but to explain all of this will require quite a few words.

"The obvious complication is the power difference between a warden and an inmate. One that regardless of my behavior, intention, or desire, will continue to exist. Just because this prison looks different doesn't change that fact. Nor does it change the potential for harm or abuse. The only mitigation I can offer is the fact that I've suffered from the other side of that dynamic before, but even that is just words.

"There's also, in this place, the state in life an inmate is in verses a warden. As you've said: an inmate is here to work on themselves, a warden is here to help them. Pagan is an adult and a grown man, but I know there are pieces to him that can and will change over his time here. That a romantic relationship may make more or less difficult, given the nature of the relationship."

He takes another sip.

"The greater complication is specific to Pagan himself." He looks up at Lark. "He made every effort to make me reject him. Not as a romantic partner, but our connection itself. I know why. And I suspect you do as well. Explaining further would be to violate his trust," and he's still not doing that, "but the end result is that our connection is, I think, good for both of us. But it is primarily good for him."

He breathes in deep and closes his eyes for a moment because navigating this is difficult, given the restrictions.

"I didn't intend for feelings to develop between us. I don't... flirt." It's clear he just doesn't even understand how, let alone turns that on people. "And I didn't encourage his flirting other than to enjoy our time together. However, feelings did develop, shortly before the breach. And I was considering how to approach the issue as we were all... changed."

He pauses here, but it's obvious there's more he has to say.

"The breach," Lark echoes, hollow. Bitter. He'd thought that was a catalyst. Too late to do anything about it.

"He's using this to push me away, Kiryu. And it's working. I don't know how to handle it, and I'm too... Angry with him to talk to him about it right now. I'm not angry with you. I'm just disappointed you let your feelings break into what you recognize is an ethical problem. But it's done. So all I can say is, do not give me your input in how I warden him from here on out, because you're no longer objective. I hope you won't pretend that's not an issue. ...I'm very sorry to have lost that."

He drains his tea in one hot gulp. "I'm here for whatever else you need. I value your input in so many other things."

He blinks at the warning not to give input, as he'd-

"I never intended to give you input on 'how' to act as Pagan's warden. My intention was always to provide you context and knowledge specific to our... lifestyle, as requested." It would be, in his estimation, like backseat driving. It's one thing to tell someone what the traffic patterns are like when requested, quite another to tell them what directions they should take. He looks at Lark.

"The moment we became friends, put trust in one another, I could no longer be objective." Worrying that his language hasn't properly expressed what he means, he adds "Mixing business and friendship never works out for either."

He looks down to his tea.

"Part of my considerations had to do with acting on my feelings or burying them. I've buried them before and I know how to pretend as if I'm simply" he tilts his head mildly "too 'dense' to notice. But to reject Pagan, even like that, seemed from my position as a friend, as someone who cares for him, to be something that would definitely harm him. Regardless of my reasons, he would 'know' his own."

He heard enough that he doesn't think that this is a leap of logic so much as pointing out the obvious.

"The breach... made everything more obvious, removed the option to ignore the elephant in the room. The options were to cause immediate harm, damage our connection, and potentially destroy any trust we had in one another should- should something like the last flood reveal my feelings regardless. Or I could be honest with him and decide with him what we would do about our feelings and pursue a relationship if it was something we both were interested in."

He puts the tea down.

"I am aware that this has the potential for harm to him, but when my options presented are 'potential good and potential harm' or 'immediate harm with a potential to lose or damage our connection', I chose the option which I thought was best for both of us."

He settles his hands in his lap.

"A power differential is not-" how to explain? "An imbalance in power in the world we live in is a reality of every relationship, because that world works on a very strict hierarchy, one which every person within that hierarchy is aware of. Navigating a power imbalance carefully and gracefully is more in line with that world. It would not serve as a reason, in and of itself, to Pagan." He bows his head. "In truth, it doesn't to me either. It's a concern, and a constant tension, but not a reason to deny someone."

He hears it all, but this all still feels like he's being told there's a fire after the building has burned to the ground.

What his mind sticks on is painful and he hates it but he'll own it. "You're right. Business and friendship don't mix. And I've been viewing him primarily as a friend."

Not the worst mistake he's ever made, but it follows a distinct pattern. He has some dangerous blindspots when it comes to any sort of close friendship.

But he learns from his mistakes, little by little.

He nods and he does bow his head to Lark in apology. There is one thing that he feels bad about.

"I did not realize you were unaware of... everything. And I was hesitant to share my own feelings with you as it might be seen as 'asking permission'."

Something which, if Pagan got wind of it, would almost certainly blow up in all of their faces. And, as far as Kiryu's concerned, they'd deserve it. Pagan, whatever else he was, was not a child.

"No, neither of you need my permission, and I'd be insulted if you'd tried. I just don't know at what point I thought he trusted me enough to talk about it, and if we were ever there to begin with."

He has deep issues with Kiryu's decision, but at least the man has said something and is willing to talk through the sticking points.

"But that's not something you can answer," he shrugs, turns his attention back across the table to the man there. "How long has it been going on?"

That's another blink.

"'Going on'?"

Yeah, he's not really sure what's being asked here. He's been pretty up front about the timeline.

"We haven't started the relationship. Whatever our feelings, we currently remain friends. He left the decision in my hands, and I thought it best to work through these issues first before... officially starting."

He hasn't even kissed him. But his eye is on Lark.

"If he decides not to pursue the relationship after the two of you talk, I would respect that. And remain his friend. In some ways, that might be cleaner. But his well-being remains my main concern."

He'll figure something out for himself. He always does. ~~It's called being alone.~~

He takes a long breath, feels his thoughts begin to organize again.

"That isn't what I want. The last thing I want is to be an obstacle. I have misgivings about the ethics, and I want boundaries we all agree to because this isn't just an ordinary relationship in an ordinary place. Feeling something for you and being willing to explore it is perhaps the least self destructive thing he's done lately.

"My issue is that I've done something to keep him from having faith in me. And I think I've unfairly tried to put some of that on you, so I apologize."

Kiryu, privately, has his own suspicions on why Pagan wouldn't have told Lark. He doesn't think it has anything to do with a lack of trust or a lack of faith, at least not in Lark. It makes him think of all the times he'd tried to handle his problems without involving Kazama-san.

And how it felt when he walked through the door and fixed them anyway.

It's not his place to say, as they just went over.

"Of course, Lark-san." A dip of his head. "I realize this is not a simple or easy situation."

He looks back to Lark.

"I also hope I haven't lost you as a mentor."

But if he did, he did.

"You haven't," he says immediately. He softens it with a smile, which eases his own tension. "I'd be a very poor mentor if I only wanted to help you when things were easy to navigate. I'm sorry for coming in as abrasively as I did, you didn't deserve that."

"I would have been more upset if you'd been calm," he says earnestly, picking up his tea again. He sips most of it down before he speaks again.

"You didn't know how I was approaching this. And your priority is Pagan. Not my feelings."

"He is, but that doesn't mean I don't put weight on your feelings." He pours himself some more tea. "I feel better about this from your end. I don't know how I'll feel about it from his. But I think you should pursue it, regardless."

He nods and he sits, staring into his tea for a moment or two. There's something else, and this is something that he hasn't talked to Pagan about. It ties into everything he's been thinking but it's not a concern Pagan should worry about.

"You also know how empty my life is now," he says plainly. He'd told Lark about his deal, about leaving behind everyone he'd lived for for the last ten years. His daughter, his grandson, the rest of his kids. His friends and allies.

"If you thought my reasoning was completely unsound, I would trust you to tell me so."

"I would tell you," he agrees. If there was any lingering defensiveness, it's gone now. "Because I trust that you'll hear me out if I tell you I think you're headed for something dangerous. I think you're good for Pagan. And I think at heart, he's a good person. But he makes poor decisions; that's why he's here. I don't want those to end up hurting you."

A firm nod.

He has his suspicions about what Pagan is, and why, but he's told Lark that he'll stay out of his wardening. Whatever help that Pagan gives Kiryu is the love of a friend... and, soon enough, he hopes, more. It still hasn't happened and the bad luck of many years has him hesitant to believe it will until it has.

He pours himself some tea as well and there's a few moments of peace and quiet before he considers the moment and dips his head to look at Lark.

"May I ask you about something else?"

It feels undeservedly good to have this matter settled into something he feels good about. He's absorbing it all when Kiryu speaks, and he sits up a little straighter. "Of course. Anything."

He takes a moment and reaches into his pocket, pulls out his communicator, and takes a moment to scan until he finds the post. Lark's post. Then he reaches forward and points to... *all* of the replies.

"Is something missing on my communicator?"

"Some private conversations," Lark says, guessing that's what he means. Several of the conversations seem to just end as they're switched over to private filters.

"And whatever context Misty or William have around the murder. I was asked to find the killer in a recent murder; it was William, so I reported it. That's all the information I had."

He winces a little because, well, he realizes he's bad with technology and Pagan may have mentioned that, but he'd figured that out soon enough. Privacy, and the ability to utilize it, is important.

"No, not that." He points to one of the entries.

"Your posting. It's not shortened?"

Because otherwise, he's very confused.

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