"Most people don't. I think even after reading their files, if they're allowed, most people have no idea." There's a pretty significant difference between the ones who don't and most of those who do, though.
"You don't have to answer this but I've been...wondering about this for a while, about a lot of people. How do you handle guilt?"
Maybe it's easier for other people to delude themselves, she thinks. Not that she doesn't -- but she usually knows she is, when she does. She's about to say something to just that effect, if a little less revealing, when he goes on, and then she stops.
How does she handle guilt?
"Bad enough that I got myself thrown in prison," she jokes, but in a tone of voice that clearly says they aren't going to progress much further into that topic. She draws away from him again, resting her hands back in her own lap, recrossing her legs.
"I told you why I was," she says evenly, if still a little flat. "I confessed." Which doesn't make it not bullshit, but she hasn't told anyone here the reason why it is, and she doesn't plan on sharing that much now. Not to him, not to anyone. Not until she gets her warden and ends up forced to figure out how to spin that part of the story.
Nor does she want to linger on the subject of guilt -- not when she still has very mixed feelings about her own. She knows she feels less of it than she should, maybe less than she wishes she did, but that's a hard thing to talk about. Especially here, where she suspects she knows what he'll have to say about that.
"How do you?" she asks, turning it back on him. She doesn't expect him to answer honestly, if at all; she's just proving the point that some questions are better left unasked.
Lark hums. Yeah, she did. But confessions are so often mutilated and manipulated that he doesn't believe them. He'll still use them, sure; but he doesn't believe them.
Besides, here's the point where he also hasn't figured out how to spin the truth. So he shakes his head slightly and goes with the lie he's rehearsed so many times it feels real. "I just try to focus on where I am, and if I'm where I want to be, and if it's worth it to be alive after having done what I've done."
She wasn't expecting to get an answer at all, but the one she does get doesn't surprise her in and of itself. It sounds rather like what she was picturing, in fact -- like something Alec would say. Why feel bad over doing what had to be done?
"Should I change?" she supplies quietly. "Should I have changed before now?" Or do the ends justify the means?
She shakes her head a little, tucking her hair back. "I came here to yell at you," she jokes mildly, trying to divert the subject. "Not for so much introspection."
"I know. I hate being yelled at, I have to distract you," he winks. "And if you want my biased opinion...no. You shouldn't change. You should never change the things about yourself that you can find peace with. If there are things that keep you up at night--those can go. But don't change for other people. Not even the Admiral."
And there's just what she's been expecting, and trying to dance around, this whole time: no guilt, no shame, no change. Because she can live with herself. There are times she thinks about Evi or Vasily as she's drifting off, times they appears in her dreams, but she sleeps. She can live with everything she's done.
It's just not always a very happy life.
She does not want to have this argument again, though. She'd pushed it with Alec, but this time she simply side-steps. Redirects. She glances at him out of the corner of her eye and smiles slyly, reaching over to brush the back of his hand with her fingers. "You are biased," she murmurs. "But you're good at distracting."
"I am," he agrees and he manages a smug look. In reality, Lark is not a smug person at all. Proud, sure; arrogant, sometimes, though he's been soundly humbled over the past few years.
He knows she's uneasy about something, but he has no idea what, and the topic feels comfortable to him which is why he's kicking it around again. He hardly ever gets to talk about this with anyone but Alec, and Alec's rules are very different to Lark's. "Anyway, that's what I was told my first year. But there's nothing that I dislike about myself enough to want to give up. I don't want to change, and that's the only thing I have in common with Arthas but it's significant. But unlike him, I don't want to stay here just to prove a point."
His thumb catches her fingertips, runs gently against the very tips. "What I really think is that we should just make the most of whatever time we have, wherever it is. In prison, in a dog pound. In hell. In Paris."
She nods. What was it they'd talked about, that one time? The balance between looking too far down the road ahead and getting mired in the potholes. "Your new philosophy," she offers, her smile widening. "I remember."
And he can stay here as long as he likes with that. Nina hates the Barge less and less by the day, but she still has every intention of bending to the Admiral's will. She just needs to figure out how.
She's still pushing on the inconsequential, though, and so she raises her brows, teasing: "But if I remember, you don't have all that many vices for somebody trying to live in the moment." Just not going to mention the killing, here.
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Just because she'd like to be better doesn't mean she has any illusions that she is. She's not a good person. She knows this.
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"You don't have to answer this but I've been...wondering about this for a while, about a lot of people. How do you handle guilt?"
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How does she handle guilt?
"Bad enough that I got myself thrown in prison," she jokes, but in a tone of voice that clearly says they aren't going to progress much further into that topic. She draws away from him again, resting her hands back in her own lap, recrossing her legs.
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"There are a lot of reasons people end up imprisoned," is what he finally says. "And most of them are bullshit."
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Nor does she want to linger on the subject of guilt -- not when she still has very mixed feelings about her own. She knows she feels less of it than she should, maybe less than she wishes she did, but that's a hard thing to talk about. Especially here, where she suspects she knows what he'll have to say about that.
"How do you?" she asks, turning it back on him. She doesn't expect him to answer honestly, if at all; she's just proving the point that some questions are better left unasked.
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Besides, here's the point where he also hasn't figured out how to spin the truth. So he shakes his head slightly and goes with the lie he's rehearsed so many times it feels real. "I just try to focus on where I am, and if I'm where I want to be, and if it's worth it to be alive after having done what I've done."
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"Should I change?" she supplies quietly. "Should I have changed before now?" Or do the ends justify the means?
She shakes her head a little, tucking her hair back. "I came here to yell at you," she jokes mildly, trying to divert the subject. "Not for so much introspection."
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It's just not always a very happy life.
She does not want to have this argument again, though. She'd pushed it with Alec, but this time she simply side-steps. Redirects. She glances at him out of the corner of her eye and smiles slyly, reaching over to brush the back of his hand with her fingers. "You are biased," she murmurs. "But you're good at distracting."
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He knows she's uneasy about something, but he has no idea what, and the topic feels comfortable to him which is why he's kicking it around again. He hardly ever gets to talk about this with anyone but Alec, and Alec's rules are very different to Lark's. "Anyway, that's what I was told my first year. But there's nothing that I dislike about myself enough to want to give up. I don't want to change, and that's the only thing I have in common with Arthas but it's significant. But unlike him, I don't want to stay here just to prove a point."
His thumb catches her fingertips, runs gently against the very tips. "What I really think is that we should just make the most of whatever time we have, wherever it is. In prison, in a dog pound. In hell. In Paris."
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And he can stay here as long as he likes with that. Nina hates the Barge less and less by the day, but she still has every intention of bending to the Admiral's will. She just needs to figure out how.
She's still pushing on the inconsequential, though, and so she raises her brows, teasing: "But if I remember, you don't have all that many vices for somebody trying to live in the moment." Just not going to mention the killing, here.