She wasn't expecting to get an answer at all, but the one she does get doesn't surprise her in and of itself. It sounds rather like what she was picturing, in fact -- like something Alec would say. Why feel bad over doing what had to be done?
"Should I change?" she supplies quietly. "Should I have changed before now?" Or do the ends justify the means?
She shakes her head a little, tucking her hair back. "I came here to yell at you," she jokes mildly, trying to divert the subject. "Not for so much introspection."
"I know. I hate being yelled at, I have to distract you," he winks. "And if you want my biased opinion...no. You shouldn't change. You should never change the things about yourself that you can find peace with. If there are things that keep you up at night--those can go. But don't change for other people. Not even the Admiral."
And there's just what she's been expecting, and trying to dance around, this whole time: no guilt, no shame, no change. Because she can live with herself. There are times she thinks about Evi or Vasily as she's drifting off, times they appears in her dreams, but she sleeps. She can live with everything she's done.
It's just not always a very happy life.
She does not want to have this argument again, though. She'd pushed it with Alec, but this time she simply side-steps. Redirects. She glances at him out of the corner of her eye and smiles slyly, reaching over to brush the back of his hand with her fingers. "You are biased," she murmurs. "But you're good at distracting."
"I am," he agrees and he manages a smug look. In reality, Lark is not a smug person at all. Proud, sure; arrogant, sometimes, though he's been soundly humbled over the past few years.
He knows she's uneasy about something, but he has no idea what, and the topic feels comfortable to him which is why he's kicking it around again. He hardly ever gets to talk about this with anyone but Alec, and Alec's rules are very different to Lark's. "Anyway, that's what I was told my first year. But there's nothing that I dislike about myself enough to want to give up. I don't want to change, and that's the only thing I have in common with Arthas but it's significant. But unlike him, I don't want to stay here just to prove a point."
His thumb catches her fingertips, runs gently against the very tips. "What I really think is that we should just make the most of whatever time we have, wherever it is. In prison, in a dog pound. In hell. In Paris."
She nods. What was it they'd talked about, that one time? The balance between looking too far down the road ahead and getting mired in the potholes. "Your new philosophy," she offers, her smile widening. "I remember."
And he can stay here as long as he likes with that. Nina hates the Barge less and less by the day, but she still has every intention of bending to the Admiral's will. She just needs to figure out how.
She's still pushing on the inconsequential, though, and so she raises her brows, teasing: "But if I remember, you don't have all that many vices for somebody trying to live in the moment." Just not going to mention the killing, here.
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"Should I change?" she supplies quietly. "Should I have changed before now?" Or do the ends justify the means?
She shakes her head a little, tucking her hair back. "I came here to yell at you," she jokes mildly, trying to divert the subject. "Not for so much introspection."
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It's just not always a very happy life.
She does not want to have this argument again, though. She'd pushed it with Alec, but this time she simply side-steps. Redirects. She glances at him out of the corner of her eye and smiles slyly, reaching over to brush the back of his hand with her fingers. "You are biased," she murmurs. "But you're good at distracting."
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He knows she's uneasy about something, but he has no idea what, and the topic feels comfortable to him which is why he's kicking it around again. He hardly ever gets to talk about this with anyone but Alec, and Alec's rules are very different to Lark's. "Anyway, that's what I was told my first year. But there's nothing that I dislike about myself enough to want to give up. I don't want to change, and that's the only thing I have in common with Arthas but it's significant. But unlike him, I don't want to stay here just to prove a point."
His thumb catches her fingertips, runs gently against the very tips. "What I really think is that we should just make the most of whatever time we have, wherever it is. In prison, in a dog pound. In hell. In Paris."
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And he can stay here as long as he likes with that. Nina hates the Barge less and less by the day, but she still has every intention of bending to the Admiral's will. She just needs to figure out how.
She's still pushing on the inconsequential, though, and so she raises her brows, teasing: "But if I remember, you don't have all that many vices for somebody trying to live in the moment." Just not going to mention the killing, here.