I know a lot of my resentment is because I was personally hurt. But I think it's also because this is what they want. They want everyone to get so used to it they stop feeling anything about it. Especially the wardens. It brings you down to their level. It lets them do violence without any punishment because no one is shocked by it anymore.
It don't feel like that's what it is to me. And I don't feel like I'm not on their level - like, not in a moral way. I ain't better than them.
[She pauses.]
I wouldn't tell you not to feel angry or-- or resentful. Not ever. You got hurt and your friends got hurt and it was a real awful thing that happened, and if anybody did tell you you ain't allowed to be mad, they would be wrong.
I know. There's a reason, I guess, that you get to hear me complain when the others don't.
But I do feel like I'm just another number. One more casualty; no big deal. [And truth be told he doesn't mind that. Not as much as he's saying he does. But it's hard to express the instinct to be separate from all this, combined with the anger that there is no one to turn to when he does get hurt--despite people insisting that he can.]
[But he finds that he can't just leave her with that, with the sense that she can't do anything at all because she won't do harm to someone else for him. And he doesn't want her to get the idea that the only thing he would ask of her would go against the same values he respects about her.]
Do you want to just watch a movie? I haven't seen one since 1999.
Uh... I don't know, I never heard of The English Patient. I like romcoms, but I like some serious stuff, too. Like Pretty Woman; that ain't totally a comedy.
I saw that one. Actually, I kind of liked it; you know how everyone has a Hollywood fantasy? Something that would only really be sexy, or fun, in a movie?
I did. A barely eighteen year old named Jason. He'd do some awful things just for a smile and a candy bar, so I took him in and I made him into something other people would fear the way he had once feared them.
...But I don't love him and of course I never did anything with him besides turning him into a lycanthrope, so it wasn't quite the same as my fantasy.
[Tiffany, who has also done things in exchange for smiles and little meaningless gifts, looks down at her lap, her mouth twitching somewhere between a smile and a frown.]
[Lark hears the pause, and he knows a tiny bit about Tiffany but not enough about her past to do more than worry he's stepped on her feelings somewhere.]
He did. Maria, she's the girl in charge of my pack. She's- she's tough as nails, but she loves Jason and she makes sure he never feels alone or abandoned or unwanted.
I... I got family. It ain't like they hate me. We love each other, of course we do; we're family.
[But it hadn't been the sort of love she felt she could depend on, and it had never made her feel less alone in the world. The Doggetts enjoyed each others' company and had each others' backs, generally, but they were not loving or demonstrative with each other. She remembers her brothers beating people up in her honor and her mother telling jokes and making her laugh, but she can't remember the last time she heard I love you from any of them.]
I wish you could see what pack life is like. I was never wanted for who I was as a human, either; just for what I could give. It's not like that in the pack.
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[audio]
[It could well be why he's so angry about it; it's his mind trying not to succumb to apathy.]
But there's no way to stop it if no one cares.
[audio]
[audio]
[audio]
[She pauses.]
I wouldn't tell you not to feel angry or-- or resentful. Not ever. You got hurt and your friends got hurt and it was a real awful thing that happened, and if anybody did tell you you ain't allowed to be mad, they would be wrong.
[audio]
But I do feel like I'm just another number. One more casualty; no big deal. [And truth be told he doesn't mind that. Not as much as he's saying he does. But it's hard to express the instinct to be separate from all this, combined with the anger that there is no one to turn to when he does get hurt--despite people insisting that he can.]
[audio]
Maybe it don't mean anything to hear me say that, 'cause I know it's partly my fault you feel like you do. But I mean it, and I... I don't know.
[She wishes, for the umpteenth time, that she were better at this.]
But you shouldn't have to be listening to how I feel right now. Is there anything I can do for you that won't fuck over somebody else?
[audio]
[But he finds that he can't just leave her with that, with the sense that she can't do anything at all because she won't do harm to someone else for him. And he doesn't want her to get the idea that the only thing he would ask of her would go against the same values he respects about her.]
Do you want to just watch a movie? I haven't seen one since 1999.
[audio]
[audio]
[audio]
Comedy or drama?
[audio]
[audio]
[No judgement, Lark.]
I'll find something good.
[audio]
[audio]
[audio]
Well, that one was mine. Rescuing a prostitute.
[audio]
[audio]
...But I don't love him and of course I never did anything with him besides turning him into a lycanthrope, so it wasn't quite the same as my fantasy.
[audio]
Did he ever find people who loved him?
[audio]
He did. Maria, she's the girl in charge of my pack. She's- she's tough as nails, but she loves Jason and she makes sure he never feels alone or abandoned or unwanted.
...Do you have people who love you, back home?
[audio]
[But it hadn't been the sort of love she felt she could depend on, and it had never made her feel less alone in the world. The Doggetts enjoyed each others' company and had each others' backs, generally, but they were not loving or demonstrative with each other. She remembers her brothers beating people up in her honor and her mother telling jokes and making her laugh, but she can't remember the last time she heard I love you from any of them.]
I don't have people who make me feel wanted.
[audio]
I understand.
[And he does, even if he doesn't elaborate, won't explain if she doesn't ask. He wants to know about her.]
You're wanted here. But I think you know that already.
[audio]
[It's one of the reasons she can't stomach the idea of leaving, even if it isn't the biggest one anymore.]
It's the first time I ever was, you know.
[audio]
[audio]
[Before her arrest, after her arrest, while she was in prison.]
My life was not very good, Lark. I'm sorry yours wasn't either, before you got a new one.