spam; the last journal post

[ukan]

[Getting on board was a moment of chaos. He remembers turning a corner, expecting to find fur and blood in his mouth, expecting maybe to get torn up in return, expecting maybe a bullet from above to take him down, too-

But instead he's somewhere metal, somewhere that smells of strangers and strangeness, and he's bleeding a trail but he runs for safety anyway. If there is any. If there are doors, anywhere, that he can open without changing back, because this has to be the FBI's work and so long as they think he's just a wolf, maybe they won't slit him open and poke around inside.]



[ooc: Lark is a wolf, for now. He'll have to change back sooner or later even if he doesn't want to, so feel free to tag him as human or wolf, just lemme know which.]

Comments

[ukan]

It depends on how the conversation went, I think.

[punched_hitler]

About as well as any conversations go with her.

She told me a little about her world, though. It didn't give me much respect for the way most humans have handled things, although I realize I don't have the whole story. Who ever does, though?

[ukan]

True. But maybe it doesn't matter. The story as she sees it, as she's lived it, is as real as it can possible get. Trying to tell her their side or using them as a way to seek middle ground won't change what she's gone through and would only make her angry.

Sometimes people just need to burn through the rage and sometimes they can't do that alone.

[punched_hitler]

[Steve nods - and his face, while it doesn't go hard, does get decidedly serious.] Oh, there's no middle ground. What they're doing is wrong, and it needs to stop.

[And, quite frankly, he has been entertaining what's probably a crazy notion for a while, now, but... look, Captain America exists to put a stop to that kind of thing.

But it's not an option, just at the moment. Nor would it help T'Pol, here and now.]Her people don't deal with emotions, like humans do. They suppress them, intentionally. They believe in acting based on logic, not based on rage.

[But he can't blame her for feeling rage.]

[ukan]

[That's a complicated problem, not just for the human involvement but now for Steve's personal investment.] Then...is the ethical thing to do to encourage her to suppress, to learn to be more like her people?

[punched_hitler]

It's not my first reaction, but it's not about me. I'm here to help her, so if that's what will help her, then yes.

[There's a lot he won't say, because it's not Lark's business, but that's what it boils down to.

Although he considers Lark for a minute.] You don't have to answer. But you said you think like a wolf, even when you don't look like one.

Do you hate that you have to act less like a wolf if you want to fit in with the rest of us schmucks?

[ukan]

[There are always going to be things he can't, or won't, say to Steve. His affection is genuine, but Lark does view people based on what they can or can't be convinced to do for him, and everything he does works toward that.

But he decides to answer this, even with the small risk an honest answer carries.]

Yes. Sometimes. With some people, they just know what I am on a subconscious level. They view me as a threat without ever consciously realizing it, and it makes it hard to hold a conversation with them. If I didn't have to hide what I am, everything would be a lot more straight forward. Easier.

If people knew how much I can smell, I wouldn't have to pretend someone's aftershave isn't too strong, or that someone's nail polish isn't burning my sinuses. They'd probably make sure they shower more thoroughly after sex.

But it's also hard to communicate as clearly with a human as I can with another wolf. There are all kinds of tiny muscle movements that people don't notice, but which change everything between wolves.

Why do you ask?

[punched_hitler]

[Steve nods, listening to the answer and considering it seriously. He's not surprised by it, honestly. Nor does he hold it against Lark in the least.

He does finally smile a little at the bit about smell, and it's this stragely understanding sort of look.] Hoo boy, let me tell you, if that bothers you? Don't join the Army. Buncha guys that don't get the opportunity to shower for weeks is not the way to live if you've got a sensitive nose.

[Okay, so the Army gave him that sensitive nose. And he doesn't regret it in the least. Nor is it as sensitive as Lark's - or T'Pol's, not by a long shot.

He debates for a minute, how much to say. He finally settles on,] T'Pol acts very human, if you ask me, for someone who hates everything humanity stands for. But when you're surrounded by the enemy and punished for what you are, you learn to act like the people you hate. Take those people away, and maybe it's hard to find yourself again.

[He shrugs.] I've never had to pretend I'm something I'm not - not really. [That stupid stint acting, that was different, and embarrassing and a lot of other things, but it was still acting, and he knew it, and so it was different.] I guess you could say I've had the luxury of always being who I thought I should be, even when it got me a broken nose and two black eyes. But I need to try to understand what it feels like, if I'm going to try to understand how to help someone fix it.

[ukan]

[He chuckles] Ah, the smell of patriotism. It's less like hotdogs and apple pie and more like mud, blood, tears, and unwashed fatigues. I wonder why they haven't bottled that to sell at department stores.

[Steve's answer makes him somehow even more curious about her. It's going to be a struggle not to come on too strong when he does meet her.]

It's...one of those things that I could talk about it, as eloquently as I could, for hours and still not really explain it. Without living it, it's going to be an abstract.

But- if you want...I could show you what it's like to have to adapt and hide.

[punched_hitler]

Mostly the unwashed fatigues. It is a wonder.

[Steve's not sure she'll respond to Lark at all - he still looks awfully human, and T'Pol's not what anyone would call friendly - but if it gains her a friend, or even someone she hates less than the rest of the people here, he'll consider it a win, if they get along at all when they do meet.

He nods, though, because,] I imagine that's how it would go. Some things you just have to experience for yourself.

[But he's been an outsider his whole life, even if he doesn't understand what it's like to really be oppressed. He'd like to think it's at least a start, at least gives him some common ground, but he won't pretend to know what it's like, that's unfair. So when Lark offers to maybe show him a little, he does look interested.]

If you'd feel comfortable with that - I think it's something I need to see.

[ukan]

I think it could help. I think it could be important, if I pull it off right on my end. I just...need to know you won't take any part of it personally.

[He is hopeful that Steve won't but it's important Steve know that it might be difficult.]

[punched_hitler]

I think it could, too. [He can try to understand, all he wants. But there's nothing like real experience. He's seen that, firsthand, with how people treat things they haven't gone through, and simply can't imagine. This is like that, for him.

He smiles, a little vaguely, but he's absolutely serious when he says,] The only part I'll take personally is the fact that you're doing me a favor, in that I appreciate it.

[So, no.] I won't take it personally. You have my word. As long as it's just me this affects. [He doesn't know how Lark plans to show him anything, but what does matter is that no one else gets dragged into it in a bad way.]

[ukan]

This is just for us. [He nods.] You're free to talk about it to anyone you like after, this is my permission to disclose anything I say or do.

We should meet in my cabin. The other one, not the one I live in with Nux.

[punched_hitler]

[He shakes his head.] I don't plan on needing it, but thanks.

[The only person he thinks he's likely to tell is T'Pol, if he thinks it'll help. But it's nice to have that permission, just in case.]

Sure - you're running the show. Just tell me when.

[He can start now, or he can wait until Lark's ready, if he needs time.]

[ukan]

Give me an hour.

[He will need that long to figure out exactly what he's planning, and to get out of the amiable persona he wears on the Barge and back into the more savage wolf's mind.]

[punched_hitler]

[He nods.] Just let me know if you need more time.

[But, barring anything to the contrary, he'll be there in an hour, knocking and waiting to be let in.]

[ukan]

[Lark answers almost before Steve has finished knocking. He steps back to invite him in and locks the door behind him.]

I'm going to do part of this as a wolf. I think that will show what it's like when you don't know how to read or return other customs and languages. The other part I'll be human, but again, the point is to show how difficult it is to understand and how bad it can be when you don't.

[punched_hitler]

[Steve agreed to this and he's not backing out, whatever it means, so he's not fazed in the least.] Sounds fair. I have a little experience, but I know it's nothing like yours.

[After all, try waking up in a time when people speak mostly the same... but really don't, with strange slang and automation where you don't expect it. He's also at least gotten a taste of other cultures from his time in Europe, but it's like he says - it's not like what T'Pol or even Lark deal with every day, so he won't pretend it is.] Thanks again for your help.

[ukan]

I hope it does help. [There's the chance it won't. There's the chance it will dent a friendship that's still very new, but that he is enjoying immensely.

He motions around the room.]

Get comfortable. I'll go- change, and we'll start.

[punched_hitler]

[Steve nods - difficult or not, it's worth the effort. And if they both want it to help, it stands a better chance, he figures. Besides, Lark's taking a big risk doing this, and that counts for a lot. Steve, at least, is bound and determined to do just what he promised - not to take it personally. He's actually very experienced at that one.]

Sure, sounds good.

[He looks around, because of course he's a little curious, but only looking around in the sense of he finds the nearest table to lean against or chair to perch on and looks around the room from there, nothing more.]

[ukan]

[It takes twenty seconds to change. But they're grueling seconds and it's probably better that Steve can't hear as well, because Lark's bones break and reset and rearrange and there are sounds.

He trots out, a wolf, and stares up at Steve.]

[punched_hitler]

[Steve waits as patiently as he can, and while he can hear something, it's definitely not clear what it is (he'd know, if he could hear clearly, but he can't). It sounds a little more like muffled shuffling, at best.

And whether this is serious or not, he can't help but smile a little, when the wolf comes trotting out, because,] Before everyone stops taking everything personally, you are a pretty handsome fellow.

[He doesn't mean it like that, but you are a good-looking wolf, if that's, you know, a thing?

But then he pushes up off the chair arm he was leaning against, into a fully standing position, and he's ready to get... whatever this is started.]

[ukan]

[Lark circles him, getting a sense of him, and it's probably not uncomfortable at all. Lark doesn't even touch him.

But then he does snarl. And he follows it with a snap of his teeth at Steve's arm, just shy of making contact.]

[punched_hitler]

[Steve's no expert in animals, but that's a pretty obvious signal, right there. Or - well, funny enough, it's not, in a way, because it doesn't tell him what to do to fix it, of course, and he kind of thinks that's the point.

Part of him also thinks that Lark might actually bite him, if he needs to, and - that's good. Steve wouldn't blame him, because the point of this exercise was, admittedly, not to treat it like an exercise. Just like if he ends up having to defend himself, he doesn't expect Lark to take it personally, either.

He doesn't jump, to his credit, but he does tense. His first instinct is, of course, to pull his arm out of the way, but that could also be seen as a threat, he thinks, so while he does start to jerk it back, he consciously stops, opens his palms, and takes a step back, looking at Lark, although he is trying to keep track of how much distance there is between him and the nearest wall, mainly because,] I'm not very good at getting backed into corners. For the record.

[He doesn't know that Lark's listening - oh, he has no doubt he can understand him, but that doesn't mean he's really taking anything Steve says into account. All the same, talking is just a thing Steve does, and he's not making any exceptions now unless he sees that it's a bad idea.]

[ukan]

[Lark hears him, but if he backs Steve up, they'll just take what happens. There's nothing here that he wouldn't do to a pack member--except of course the pack member would understand what was being demanded.

He advances, more determined now, those sharp fangs bared and snapping, until he rears up on his hind legs and grabs for Steve's shirt to yank him down to the floor.]