And I won’t deny that…part of me does wish I could exist behind that wall again. That I could turn back time and…forget most of this.
[ If only so he could stop hurting so damn much. ]
I know I can’t do that. That I can’t be effective as…a wall. But I also can’t be effective the way that I am now. So I need to work on myself. To heal, to…move forward. And I don’t think that will happen without a change of scenery.
My door is going to disappear the moment I leave here, Lark. I don't want anything to happen to my space while I'm away, and...I'm bringing my cat with me.
[ So don't be concerned when that happens, Lark. That's what he's saying. As for the rest, he seems both sad and...uncertain. ]
...I don't know how wise that is. Especially since I am supposed to be gone.
[ He doesn't know what to say to that. Mostly because part of him almost doesn't care if he gets picked back up or not. If he fades away and loses all his memories of this place, he'd go back to the same hell and never be any the wiser in terms of what transpired here.
Archer can't say that, though. He won't say it, and he won't do it. Not after the promises he's made and certainly not with Lark looking at him like that.
It takes a moment, but he does finally answer. Quietly. ]
[ Lark has gone above and beyond to support him through all this…and he appreciates it. It makes him feel bitter in some ways, too, though — that It has now fallen to his friend to help him repair the damage caused by others.
He takes a breath and pushes those thoughts away. ]
I am…sorry I have not been able to be much of a friend to you these past few weeks.
What do you mean? [A flicker of a smile, though it's sad, thoughtful.]
I used to see people as useful. I measured them in terms of what they could do for me if I pushed them this way or that way. If they stopped being useful, I got rid of them.
You aren't my friend because you're useful, though God knows you've had my back. Without me prompting. Without me even asking. You struggling doesn't erase all the other times we've had, Archer. It doesn't change anything here [gesturing between the two of them.]
[ Lark’s words touch on yet another part of this he has found so hard. Archer has always measured himself by the things he could do for others. On the Barge, that looks like seeing to his duties in the kitchen and, of course, being there for the people he has come to care for when they need him.
He has not been able to do any of that lately — and he hates it.
It’s why, after a moment, he shakes his head. ]
I didn’t mean it like that. I mean…it has been difficult…for me. Not being able to do anything.
[ Feeling hurt and useless isn’t the best combination. ]
[ Maybe he has done more than he thinks he has. The problem is, right now, he can’t do anything. He doesn’t want to do anything. And even with the reassurances he received, he doesn’t know that he’ll ever trust again the way he did before.
He doesn’t know how to reconcile that fear with the other feelings he has…and until he can, he won’t be able to move forward.
It takes him a moment to figure out what he wants to say, but his answer is soft. ]
I am glad I have been that for you.
[ He means that. Sincerely. ]
I wish I could understand why any of this has to happen, Lark… But I don’t.
[ If he had messed up somehow, which is what he originally feared, he could have accepted this more easily. Instead, he tried so hard to do everything right…and now he’s the one paying the price for the thoughtlessness of others. ]
[ It’s a small weight off his shoulders, hearing that. He does not want to fail Xigbar…and though he feels like he is right now, at least, he can rely on Lark to fill in where he can’t.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
And I won’t deny that…part of me does wish I could exist behind that wall again. That I could turn back time and…forget most of this.
[ If only so he could stop hurting so damn much. ]
I know I can’t do that. That I can’t be effective as…a wall. But I also can’t be effective the way that I am now. So I need to work on myself. To heal, to…move forward. And I don’t think that will happen without a change of scenery.
no subject
To quote what I was told recently... let people help you if they can. If you have people there to reconnect with.
no subject
[ So don't be concerned when that happens, Lark. That's what he's saying. As for the rest, he seems both sad and...uncertain. ]
...I don't know how wise that is. Especially since I am supposed to be gone.
[ A beat, then- ]
I'll...think about it.
no subject
I thought this was just going to be a sabbatical. You'd tell the Admiral you'd be back but just needed-
[He hadn't thought Archer was leaving to the point some other warden could come in and take his space.]
no subject
[ He doesn't have a choice there. ]
I just....don't see a point in leaving my door intact when I'm not going to be here.
no subject
[Dammit he sounds panicked. he stops, takes a breath.]
no subject
You're worried that might happen.
no subject
no subject
Archer can't say that, though. He won't say it, and he won't do it. Not after the promises he's made and certainly not with Lark looking at him like that.
It takes a moment, but he does finally answer. Quietly. ]
I'll leave it, then.
[ For Lark, if no one else. ]
no subject
no subject
[ Lark has gone above and beyond to support him through all this…and he appreciates it. It makes him feel bitter in some ways, too, though — that It has now fallen to his friend to help him repair the damage caused by others.
He takes a breath and pushes those thoughts away. ]
I am…sorry I have not been able to be much of a friend to you these past few weeks.
no subject
I used to see people as useful. I measured them in terms of what they could do for me if I pushed them this way or that way. If they stopped being useful, I got rid of them.
You aren't my friend because you're useful, though God knows you've had my back. Without me prompting. Without me even asking. You struggling doesn't erase all the other times we've had, Archer. It doesn't change anything here [gesturing between the two of them.]
no subject
He has not been able to do any of that lately — and he hates it.
It’s why, after a moment, he shakes his head. ]
I didn’t mean it like that. I mean…it has been difficult…for me. Not being able to do anything.
[ Feeling hurt and useless isn’t the best combination. ]
no subject
You've done more than I think you realize.
no subject
He doesn’t know how to reconcile that fear with the other feelings he has…and until he can, he won’t be able to move forward.
It takes him a moment to figure out what he wants to say, but his answer is soft. ]
I am glad I have been that for you.
[ He means that. Sincerely. ]
I wish I could understand why any of this has to happen, Lark… But I don’t.
[ If he had messed up somehow, which is what he originally feared, he could have accepted this more easily. Instead, he tried so hard to do everything right…and now he’s the one paying the price for the thoughtlessness of others. ]
no subject
no subject
Will you check on Xigbar for me?
no subject
no subject
He lets out a soft sigh. ]
Thank you… I’ll let you know when I get back.