Steve hitches one shoulder. "I don't know. I still hate so much about this place, Lark." That hasn't changed. "I'm not just going to fucking fall in line."
Not that he thinks Lark, of all people, would expect him to. But maybe it's more that - "The Admiral has to know that."
So maybe it's more that he wants to stay with his people - and knows that he can't just conform to do it. Which means he might lose them. Probably will. That's how it works.
"I think it's better that way. We need people who will see and think beyond the way things get accepted around here." It's a fine line to walk, but no one knows that better than Steve.
Steve laughs a little. "I don't know that engaged is a word anyone's gonna use when talking about me."
He pauses, shoves his hands in his pockets, fidgets a little. "I can't... I can't be that guy. Who tries to set up patrols, who tries to get people to work together. I can't be him again. Not - right now." If ever.
He's clearly ashamed to say it. But he has always tried to tell Lark the truth.
That gets a snort. "Lark, when have I ever been neutral about anything on the Barge?"
He might be tired, or helpless, or quiet. But never neutral.
"I don't know what I'm gonna do. But I don't have the luxury of not doing anything, I guess."
He's maybe a little angry about that, and then he feels awful for feeling that way, and it goes around and around in circles. But that's his problem to deal with.
He shakes his head. "There's always a choice. You could choose to do nothing. You wouldn't be the first; you wouldn't even be the only one here who's sitting it all out."
Lark's smile is small--the one that's most honest, most pleased, most easily missed. "I won't. I think I know- a balance we can hit. I'm just glad to have you back, Steve."
Not just back, but back, willing to be active even if he doesn't know how yet.
He isn't sure he wants to be back. But here he is, anyway. He's going to try, even though he's terrified it will all come crashing down on his head.
"I've never been good at balance," he says, but it's not an argument. It's - admitting a weakness. Trying to ask for help without actually asking. But Lark's already said he won't let Steve do nothing. Lark's already agreed. He'll help.
"I'm not gonna make an announcement," he adds. He - can't do that, either. He's still not proud, but more than that, the part of him that hadn't wanted to share things with the Barge as a whole, that has been burned too many times, that part is still here. Still loud. "I don't think anyone'll miss me for a few days or even a few weeks, if that's how long I end up back home - back there."
Because calling it home feels like something bitter in his mouth.
"I understand." What Steve does is none of their business, and Lark has always felt protective of Steve's privacy. He's always resented people who didn't reach out.
"You'll be coming back and staying until B is ready to go?" Just to be sure. He isn't, after all, ready for Steve to be gone.
Steve definitely feels a bit of relief; maybe he hadn't expected Lark to protest, but it's still nice to get that acceptance.
He nods, though, because, "Yeah. I'm - I'm gonna stay with him. After this." For as long as the Admiral - the universe - will let him.
There's a pause. "B's Steve. In his universe. He - left him. And I even understand why he did it." He is, after all, going to leave his own Bucky. And isn't that complicated and complex, and dredges up so many feelings, from guilt to bone-deep sorrow to relief. "But I can't. I won't. I - don't want to."
He takes a breath, and glances up at Lark. This might be the only person on the Barge that will really, truly understand what he's going to say next. He might have said it to Annie first. But Lark... Lark was his best man. "My husband is gone. If it was even the same man that I'm going back to... he won't remember. He can't remember. This isn't like what HYDRA did. It never happened for him. I - can't. I can't go back to him. I can't stay there."
Please, please understand. It feels like tearing his chest open in a way that even talking to B and Annie doesn't.
There's relief in the way Lark nods. "I worried sometimes that you would decide to go try to start over again with someone who hadn't lived that with you. Or that you'd let someone talk you into handling your loss that way. But if it was me, if it was Alec? It's not the same person... You can't pick up two lives and try to make them fit the same picture after something like that."
"I thought about it," Steve finds himself admitting. He really had. A lot. A lot. Even now, it's a conscious effort not to reach for his chest, for the dog tags under his shirt. One of them is Bucky's. His Bucky's.
But that man doesn't exist. Will never exist again. He's just in Steve's mind. In those marriage papers, and... he's also thought about taking them with him, when he leaves. He might. He knows why he'd had Iris file them. He thinks that reason isn't valid anymore.
"We were both supposed to remember," he says, and suddenly his voice is choked, tight. He can barely get the words out. "Or neither of us. Not - But of course it's like this." Of course it's just him. He's fucking graduated, and he's still being punished.
That, at least, is familiar. Almost comforting.
"I'm not trying to replace him with B," he adds, voice a little stronger now. He needs Lark to know that. He needs B to know that, but there's still so much B doesn't know. "But B knows me. He still wants me around. I - fuck," he buries a hand in his hair. "I really want that."
B knows Steve. This Steve. The man he is now. Bucky doesn't anymore. No one back where he's from does. That's why it can't be home anymore. Ever again.
"It isn't a second chance. It's not a do-over. B is B," he says, knowing Steve knows this. It just bears being said out loud so they both know they understand. "You're allowed to love more than once."
"You don't have to," he says, in case Steve needs to hear it. There is so much pressure to do things about what you feel, and Lark has always insisted that doing nothing is a completely sane response. Sometimes it's the best response. "You have him right now. If you look ahead at what might happen, it takes you away from having him right now."
There is maybe some measure of relief that washes through Steve at that, if only because, "I don't think he - I don't want to ruin anything," he confirms. He doesn't think B feels that way, and it's fine. He doesn't doubt that B loves him as a friend. As a brother. And that had always been more than enough. It's not measuring one kind of love against another. Steve will always love that man, every permutation of him, in every possible universe. But he also loves B for being B.
And he doesn't have to do anything about it.
"I don't know how long we'll get." He knows they plan to stick it out, till the end of the line. He knows the universe usually has different plans. "I don't like it being on someone else's terms," because he doesn't trust the Admiral's utter incompetence, "but I trust B." And what he wants. What he needs. "I won't take this place away from him."
"Then I expect you both to spend some of that time with me." A wink. "So I can make sure you're both making the most of the time you do have together."
Steve rolls his eyes at that, but he doesn't really mean it. "If you can fit us into your busy schedule, sure, pal."
Lark is a busy guy. But Steve has never doubted that he would make time for him. Steve has been hesitant to ask. He has wanted to keep to himself. But he has never doubted that Lark would make the time, if Steve had only tried.
"I think B would like it, too. He's - lost a lot of people, and he's like you." He needs them, more than Steve ever will.
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Not that he thinks Lark, of all people, would expect him to. But maybe it's more that - "The Admiral has to know that."
So maybe it's more that he wants to stay with his people - and knows that he can't just conform to do it. Which means he might lose them. Probably will. That's how it works.
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Still. "I'm not going to convince anyone else of anything."
It's partly a statement of defeat, maybe; but partly a statement of intent. He's done trying, he thinks.
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He pauses, shoves his hands in his pockets, fidgets a little. "I can't... I can't be that guy. Who tries to set up patrols, who tries to get people to work together. I can't be him again. Not - right now." If ever.
He's clearly ashamed to say it. But he has always tried to tell Lark the truth.
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He might be tired, or helpless, or quiet. But never neutral.
"I don't know what I'm gonna do. But I don't have the luxury of not doing anything, I guess."
He's maybe a little angry about that, and then he feels awful for feeling that way, and it goes around and around in circles. But that's his problem to deal with.
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He doesn't know what to do, but he doesn't want to do nothing. Those are the people he hates. He cannot be like that.
Which is maybe why it's so frustrating, when he doesn't know how not to be, when he also can't be the guy he was before.
He pauses then, says, a little calmer: "Don't let me do nothing." Please.
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Not just back, but back, willing to be active even if he doesn't know how yet.
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"I've never been good at balance," he says, but it's not an argument. It's - admitting a weakness. Trying to ask for help without actually asking. But Lark's already said he won't let Steve do nothing. Lark's already agreed. He'll help.
"I'm not gonna make an announcement," he adds. He - can't do that, either. He's still not proud, but more than that, the part of him that hadn't wanted to share things with the Barge as a whole, that has been burned too many times, that part is still here. Still loud. "I don't think anyone'll miss me for a few days or even a few weeks, if that's how long I end up back home - back there."
Because calling it home feels like something bitter in his mouth.
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"You'll be coming back and staying until B is ready to go?" Just to be sure. He isn't, after all, ready for Steve to be gone.
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He nods, though, because, "Yeah. I'm - I'm gonna stay with him. After this." For as long as the Admiral - the universe - will let him.
There's a pause. "B's Steve. In his universe. He - left him. And I even understand why he did it." He is, after all, going to leave his own Bucky. And isn't that complicated and complex, and dredges up so many feelings, from guilt to bone-deep sorrow to relief. "But I can't. I won't. I - don't want to."
He takes a breath, and glances up at Lark. This might be the only person on the Barge that will really, truly understand what he's going to say next. He might have said it to Annie first. But Lark... Lark was his best man. "My husband is gone. If it was even the same man that I'm going back to... he won't remember. He can't remember. This isn't like what HYDRA did. It never happened for him. I - can't. I can't go back to him. I can't stay there."
Please, please understand. It feels like tearing his chest open in a way that even talking to B and Annie doesn't.
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But that man doesn't exist. Will never exist again. He's just in Steve's mind. In those marriage papers, and... he's also thought about taking them with him, when he leaves. He might. He knows why he'd had Iris file them. He thinks that reason isn't valid anymore.
"We were both supposed to remember," he says, and suddenly his voice is choked, tight. He can barely get the words out. "Or neither of us. Not - But of course it's like this." Of course it's just him. He's fucking graduated, and he's still being punished.
That, at least, is familiar. Almost comforting.
"I'm not trying to replace him with B," he adds, voice a little stronger now. He needs Lark to know that. He needs B to know that, but there's still so much B doesn't know. "But B knows me. He still wants me around. I - fuck," he buries a hand in his hair. "I really want that."
B knows Steve. This Steve. The man he is now. Bucky doesn't anymore. No one back where he's from does. That's why it can't be home anymore. Ever again.
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It's -
It's kind of horrible, is what it is, because, "I don't - know if I'm allowed, Lark. Every time - every time. I lose them."
Peggy. Bucky. He can't put it out there again, because fate will catch a whiff and be on him like a bloodhound. He'll lose B. Or Annie. Or both.
He cannot do it again. He is not that strong.
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And he doesn't have to do anything about it.
"I don't know how long we'll get." He knows they plan to stick it out, till the end of the line. He knows the universe usually has different plans. "I don't like it being on someone else's terms," because he doesn't trust the Admiral's utter incompetence, "but I trust B." And what he wants. What he needs. "I won't take this place away from him."
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Lark is a busy guy. But Steve has never doubted that he would make time for him. Steve has been hesitant to ask. He has wanted to keep to himself. But he has never doubted that Lark would make the time, if Steve had only tried.
"I think B would like it, too. He's - lost a lot of people, and he's like you." He needs them, more than Steve ever will.