Steve definitely feels a bit of relief; maybe he hadn't expected Lark to protest, but it's still nice to get that acceptance.
He nods, though, because, "Yeah. I'm - I'm gonna stay with him. After this." For as long as the Admiral - the universe - will let him.
There's a pause. "B's Steve. In his universe. He - left him. And I even understand why he did it." He is, after all, going to leave his own Bucky. And isn't that complicated and complex, and dredges up so many feelings, from guilt to bone-deep sorrow to relief. "But I can't. I won't. I - don't want to."
He takes a breath, and glances up at Lark. This might be the only person on the Barge that will really, truly understand what he's going to say next. He might have said it to Annie first. But Lark... Lark was his best man. "My husband is gone. If it was even the same man that I'm going back to... he won't remember. He can't remember. This isn't like what HYDRA did. It never happened for him. I - can't. I can't go back to him. I can't stay there."
Please, please understand. It feels like tearing his chest open in a way that even talking to B and Annie doesn't.
There's relief in the way Lark nods. "I worried sometimes that you would decide to go try to start over again with someone who hadn't lived that with you. Or that you'd let someone talk you into handling your loss that way. But if it was me, if it was Alec? It's not the same person... You can't pick up two lives and try to make them fit the same picture after something like that."
"I thought about it," Steve finds himself admitting. He really had. A lot. A lot. Even now, it's a conscious effort not to reach for his chest, for the dog tags under his shirt. One of them is Bucky's. His Bucky's.
But that man doesn't exist. Will never exist again. He's just in Steve's mind. In those marriage papers, and... he's also thought about taking them with him, when he leaves. He might. He knows why he'd had Iris file them. He thinks that reason isn't valid anymore.
"We were both supposed to remember," he says, and suddenly his voice is choked, tight. He can barely get the words out. "Or neither of us. Not - But of course it's like this." Of course it's just him. He's fucking graduated, and he's still being punished.
That, at least, is familiar. Almost comforting.
"I'm not trying to replace him with B," he adds, voice a little stronger now. He needs Lark to know that. He needs B to know that, but there's still so much B doesn't know. "But B knows me. He still wants me around. I - fuck," he buries a hand in his hair. "I really want that."
B knows Steve. This Steve. The man he is now. Bucky doesn't anymore. No one back where he's from does. That's why it can't be home anymore. Ever again.
"It isn't a second chance. It's not a do-over. B is B," he says, knowing Steve knows this. It just bears being said out loud so they both know they understand. "You're allowed to love more than once."
"You don't have to," he says, in case Steve needs to hear it. There is so much pressure to do things about what you feel, and Lark has always insisted that doing nothing is a completely sane response. Sometimes it's the best response. "You have him right now. If you look ahead at what might happen, it takes you away from having him right now."
There is maybe some measure of relief that washes through Steve at that, if only because, "I don't think he - I don't want to ruin anything," he confirms. He doesn't think B feels that way, and it's fine. He doesn't doubt that B loves him as a friend. As a brother. And that had always been more than enough. It's not measuring one kind of love against another. Steve will always love that man, every permutation of him, in every possible universe. But he also loves B for being B.
And he doesn't have to do anything about it.
"I don't know how long we'll get." He knows they plan to stick it out, till the end of the line. He knows the universe usually has different plans. "I don't like it being on someone else's terms," because he doesn't trust the Admiral's utter incompetence, "but I trust B." And what he wants. What he needs. "I won't take this place away from him."
"Then I expect you both to spend some of that time with me." A wink. "So I can make sure you're both making the most of the time you do have together."
Steve rolls his eyes at that, but he doesn't really mean it. "If you can fit us into your busy schedule, sure, pal."
Lark is a busy guy. But Steve has never doubted that he would make time for him. Steve has been hesitant to ask. He has wanted to keep to himself. But he has never doubted that Lark would make the time, if Steve had only tried.
"I think B would like it, too. He's - lost a lot of people, and he's like you." He needs them, more than Steve ever will.
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He nods, though, because, "Yeah. I'm - I'm gonna stay with him. After this." For as long as the Admiral - the universe - will let him.
There's a pause. "B's Steve. In his universe. He - left him. And I even understand why he did it." He is, after all, going to leave his own Bucky. And isn't that complicated and complex, and dredges up so many feelings, from guilt to bone-deep sorrow to relief. "But I can't. I won't. I - don't want to."
He takes a breath, and glances up at Lark. This might be the only person on the Barge that will really, truly understand what he's going to say next. He might have said it to Annie first. But Lark... Lark was his best man. "My husband is gone. If it was even the same man that I'm going back to... he won't remember. He can't remember. This isn't like what HYDRA did. It never happened for him. I - can't. I can't go back to him. I can't stay there."
Please, please understand. It feels like tearing his chest open in a way that even talking to B and Annie doesn't.
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But that man doesn't exist. Will never exist again. He's just in Steve's mind. In those marriage papers, and... he's also thought about taking them with him, when he leaves. He might. He knows why he'd had Iris file them. He thinks that reason isn't valid anymore.
"We were both supposed to remember," he says, and suddenly his voice is choked, tight. He can barely get the words out. "Or neither of us. Not - But of course it's like this." Of course it's just him. He's fucking graduated, and he's still being punished.
That, at least, is familiar. Almost comforting.
"I'm not trying to replace him with B," he adds, voice a little stronger now. He needs Lark to know that. He needs B to know that, but there's still so much B doesn't know. "But B knows me. He still wants me around. I - fuck," he buries a hand in his hair. "I really want that."
B knows Steve. This Steve. The man he is now. Bucky doesn't anymore. No one back where he's from does. That's why it can't be home anymore. Ever again.
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It's -
It's kind of horrible, is what it is, because, "I don't - know if I'm allowed, Lark. Every time - every time. I lose them."
Peggy. Bucky. He can't put it out there again, because fate will catch a whiff and be on him like a bloodhound. He'll lose B. Or Annie. Or both.
He cannot do it again. He is not that strong.
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And he doesn't have to do anything about it.
"I don't know how long we'll get." He knows they plan to stick it out, till the end of the line. He knows the universe usually has different plans. "I don't like it being on someone else's terms," because he doesn't trust the Admiral's utter incompetence, "but I trust B." And what he wants. What he needs. "I won't take this place away from him."
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Lark is a busy guy. But Steve has never doubted that he would make time for him. Steve has been hesitant to ask. He has wanted to keep to himself. But he has never doubted that Lark would make the time, if Steve had only tried.
"I think B would like it, too. He's - lost a lot of people, and he's like you." He needs them, more than Steve ever will.