IC Inbox III

[ukan]

This is Lark, leave a message.

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[riseunparalleled]

"It is." Thanks to Shen Jiye, the cups even match. "Though straight survival can be simpler."

[ukan]

"When I became a wolf, I was rewired to think of nothing more than survival. I hated it." He lifts the cup to his lips and takes a small, careful sip.

[riseunparalleled]

Xie Lian hums, taking a drink. "Only thinking of survival, or being 'rewired' to do so?"

[ukan]

"Both." His smile is tired. "So when I was able to break out of it and think about more than just my next meal, I swore I'd do whatever it took to keep going."

To keep thinking.

"Anyway, what's on your mind?"

[riseunparalleled]

"Your next meal is very important, but I understand what you mean. It's better to be able to think."

He breaks a piece off one of the cookies.

"Hmm? Oh, I've been doing my best to keep track some of the current, public conversations. I thought you might need a break."

[ukan]

"Which one made you realize?" His tone is wry but appreciative. Maybe a touch concerned.

[riseunparalleled]

"I would say that it was more an overall impression."

[ukan]

Great. Fantastic.

"It's been a rough year. I wasn't exaggerating about my wiring being different and ... I've been falling back on some unhelpful instincts."

[riseunparalleled]

Xie Lian nods, understanding, offering Lark an artistically sliced orange.

"You don't have to complain, but it is an adjustment. What do you think has been unhelpful?"

[ukan]

"The problem is that I was adjusted for two years, but one bad month and I've regressed." He pauses, looks at the orange with a little grin before he devours it.

"I'm usually self aware enough to catch myself."

[riseunparalleled]

"Does awareness mean you've regressed, but with a different shape?" Said mostly in the tone of a joke.

He takes another sip of tea. "Do you think you've caught yourself?"

[ukan]

"No." To both questions. "I've lost some self awareness; hence all the, ah, pubic conversations being a cause for concern. Everything is... Foggy."

[riseunparalleled]

"What do you want to do?"

[ukan]

"Advocate for the inmates. Especially those who don't have active advocates." It's such a crisp goal, and he can't understand how he keeps fucking it up. "And to get other wardens to do the same, regardless of if they're paired."

[riseunparalleled]

"A good goal! One I hope to work at myself. But what do you want in this moment, on a level below the overarching plan?"

[ukan]

"I don't know that my brain works that way," he smirks. But it is a good question and he takes a second to think about it.

"I want to figure out what to do with Trevor."

[riseunparalleled]

Xie Lian grins at him. "Did you say you believed in fighting how your brain works?"

He nods. "What do you think you should do?"

[ukan]

"I'm not a masochist. But I do have to channel my mind a certain way." Or else he'd have eaten a lot more people than he has.

"It's complicated. He has a strong sense of justice, but has only ever known to enforce it with violence."

[riseunparalleled]

"It is a tangle. I certainly could never say that there isn't justified violence, but violence as justice is a subject that I think should be considered carefully. What do you want to do in response to the most recent... manifestation?"

[ukan]

The exhaustion is back, and all the more visible.

"Well that's the problem. Nothing deters him. If he was another wolf I'd break his leg and keep him close to keep him from doing anything stupid. As a human I'm trying to reason with him, and nothing gets through."

[riseunparalleled]

"Hard enough to deal with, when you're not in a situation where others are watching to see consequences for actions." He has a great deal of sympathy.

[ukan]

"That is a big problem. The people watching me don't think I'm doing anything productive, but won't listen when I explain their methods will have no effect at all--or that it would make him a worse person if it did get through. They want to restrict his choices, take away his agency. I won't do that."

[riseunparalleled]

"It's not easy to be in the middle of that. It's right to consider the community, but you're right to advocate for the person you're responsible for. Ah, wouldn't it be nice if there were simple answers?"

[ukan]

He shakes his head, takes another sip. "I don't like simple answers. They're usually a mistake."

[riseunparalleled]

"I don't think there are simple answers. There are just times when it would be nice if there were. It's especially tricky when there internal conflicts between your own goals."