IC Inbox III

[ukan]

This is Lark, leave a message.

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[ukan]

"Which one made you realize?" His tone is wry but appreciative. Maybe a touch concerned.

[riseunparalleled]

"I would say that it was more an overall impression."

[ukan]

Great. Fantastic.

"It's been a rough year. I wasn't exaggerating about my wiring being different and ... I've been falling back on some unhelpful instincts."

[riseunparalleled]

Xie Lian nods, understanding, offering Lark an artistically sliced orange.

"You don't have to complain, but it is an adjustment. What do you think has been unhelpful?"

[ukan]

"The problem is that I was adjusted for two years, but one bad month and I've regressed." He pauses, looks at the orange with a little grin before he devours it.

"I'm usually self aware enough to catch myself."

[riseunparalleled]

"Does awareness mean you've regressed, but with a different shape?" Said mostly in the tone of a joke.

He takes another sip of tea. "Do you think you've caught yourself?"

[ukan]

"No." To both questions. "I've lost some self awareness; hence all the, ah, pubic conversations being a cause for concern. Everything is... Foggy."

[riseunparalleled]

"What do you want to do?"

[ukan]

"Advocate for the inmates. Especially those who don't have active advocates." It's such a crisp goal, and he can't understand how he keeps fucking it up. "And to get other wardens to do the same, regardless of if they're paired."

[riseunparalleled]

"A good goal! One I hope to work at myself. But what do you want in this moment, on a level below the overarching plan?"

[ukan]

"I don't know that my brain works that way," he smirks. But it is a good question and he takes a second to think about it.

"I want to figure out what to do with Trevor."

[riseunparalleled]

Xie Lian grins at him. "Did you say you believed in fighting how your brain works?"

He nods. "What do you think you should do?"

[ukan]

"I'm not a masochist. But I do have to channel my mind a certain way." Or else he'd have eaten a lot more people than he has.

"It's complicated. He has a strong sense of justice, but has only ever known to enforce it with violence."

[riseunparalleled]

"It is a tangle. I certainly could never say that there isn't justified violence, but violence as justice is a subject that I think should be considered carefully. What do you want to do in response to the most recent... manifestation?"

[ukan]

The exhaustion is back, and all the more visible.

"Well that's the problem. Nothing deters him. If he was another wolf I'd break his leg and keep him close to keep him from doing anything stupid. As a human I'm trying to reason with him, and nothing gets through."

[riseunparalleled]

"Hard enough to deal with, when you're not in a situation where others are watching to see consequences for actions." He has a great deal of sympathy.

[ukan]

"That is a big problem. The people watching me don't think I'm doing anything productive, but won't listen when I explain their methods will have no effect at all--or that it would make him a worse person if it did get through. They want to restrict his choices, take away his agency. I won't do that."

[riseunparalleled]

"It's not easy to be in the middle of that. It's right to consider the community, but you're right to advocate for the person you're responsible for. Ah, wouldn't it be nice if there were simple answers?"

[ukan]

He shakes his head, takes another sip. "I don't like simple answers. They're usually a mistake."

[riseunparalleled]

"I don't think there are simple answers. There are just times when it would be nice if there were. It's especially tricky when there internal conflicts between your own goals."

[ukan]

"You sound like you have some experience with it."

[riseunparalleled]

"I do. In the end, you have to pick. Sometimes it's not an easy choice to live with, sometimes it's not even the right choice, but you can't have both."

[ukan]

"I've never been good at accepting that." It's hard to let go of anything once he has a grasp on it.

"Have you ever been in a place like the Barge?"

[riseunparalleled]

"It's difficult to come to terms with." He still runs into complications.

"That depends on what you mean by that."

[ukan]

"Well, I should backtrack a bit. What role do you see yourself filling here?"